Here are the “rules“.
And if you’d like to see the full July 2011 Marvel solicits head over to CBR.
That’s right, back by popular demand, it’s the return of DRUNK COVER SOLICITS IN THREE SENTENCES OR LESS!
If you like your comics covered in Captain America spooge, Wolverine spooge, or Fear Itself spooge…you’ve come to the right place!!!
15-LOVE 2. I’ll be honest…I don’t get this. I don’t get it at all. So we can publish this book but not a brilliant looking Ben Caldwell Wonder Woman? Or an awesome Big Barda/Scott Free wecomic?…Comics…I just don’t get you.
Also, her cheek and eye are way weird looking.
ALL WINNERS SQUAD BAND OF HEROES 2. If I’m one of these guys, I’m asking my Sergeant if I can please NOT parachute down with the guy with the giant target on his shield.
Also, am I just crazy drunk or does the guy in the foreground look like he just came?
ALPHA FLIGHT 2 (variant). The shadow on the wall is kinda ingenious.
AMAZING SPIDER-MAN 665. I’m kind of shocked I’ve never seen this idea before. Or I blacked out and forgot. Either way, me likey.
ASTONISHING X-MEN 40. If this is Abigail Brand turning into a brood, I have to say I’ve seen it done way better…especially when Mignola did it with Storm. If it’s something else…well, I still don’t like it. Especially the stupid background.
BLACK PANTHER: THE MAN WITHOUT FEAR 521. Both the Black Panther and The Man Without Fear are scarier when they’re not covered in crappy American colors and insignia. He looks like an American Flag. If I ran into this guy on the street I would laugh hysterically. Therefore comics, UR DOING IT WRONG.
CAPTAIN AMERICA 1 (variant). “Lame-o Flame-o”, as my mother would say.*
*Yes, she says that. No, none of us know what the fuck it means or where she got it.
CAPTAIN AMERICA 1 (variant). The desaturated colors on this are nice. But Cap looks like he’s taking a poop.
CAPTAIN AMERICA 1. Ooh. I hate his one the mostest. This is the pre-poop, constipated expression I guess.
CAPTAIN AMERICA AND BUCKY 620. Ugh. Is the jacket supposed to be three sizes too big? It probably has some significance that my drunk sick brain cannot comprehend…but on the surface…as a drawing…it just doesn’t work. The expression is….Ah, I give up. TOO MUCH CAPTAIN AMERICA!
CAPTAIN AMERICA CORPS 2. Jesus H. Here’s another one.
DAKEN: DARK WOLVERINE 11. Well, I don’t give a flying crap about Daken (I mean, “dark wolverine”? really?!) but she seems kinda cool. I might read a story about Donna Kiel.
DAREDEVIL 1. Wow, the use of text here is brilliant. Love it! It’s especially great on the birds.
EMMA 5. This is nice, if only because it doesn’t have fucking Captain America on it. It’s some nice work by Janet Lee, but she can do better, it feels slightly stiff and the composition isn’t as great as what I know she can do. Still, pretty.
FEAR ITSELF 4 (variant). Honestly? Scott is rocking that Magneto uniform…which kinda shocks me.
FEAR ITSELF 4. The center image is nice, powerful. I could do without the stupid bars imagery that surrounds it though.
FEAR ITSELF: THE HOME FRONT 4. This is great. Look at the colors! The glow of the shots from his gun, the way the sunlight hits everything. Really beautiful.
FEAR ITSELF: UNCANNY X-FORCE 1. This is totally fucking badass. How the light/fire is coming through them and kind of eating away at them…amazing. The figure work and rendering, the coloring…all of it is really great looking. Also, I’m glad Psylocke finally has an interesting place to call home.
GHOST RIDER 1. A nice Ghost Rider image. He’s pretty hard to fuck up though…lots to go just ape shit with as an artist. The colors are particularly nice here though.
HERC 5. See Herc, I’ve been telling you for months now…that fucking giant lion thing on your shoulder is a liability…it’s in your way…I don’t care how good you think it looks (and in truth it looks way stupid)…any enemy would be an idiot to not attack you where that giant thing sits. It makes it impossible for you to do things like…turn you head, or properly defend yourself. It’s hard for me to feel bad for you, I warned you like twice man.
HEROES FOR HIRE 9. Heroes for Hire makes strange bedfellows…I think that’s half of what I like about it.
JOURNEY INTO MYSTERY 625. Wow, this is fucking beautiful. The bright pink petals are a stroke of genius in this otherwise very green palette. Gorgeous.
MARVEL UNIVERSE V WOLVERINE 2. Wow, the ENTIRE Marvel Universe versus Wolverine? We’re really trying to make him the ultimate badass, eh?
MOON KNIGHT 3. This is very nice. From color choices to sketchy style. I particularly love how we lose aspects of Moon Knight in the glow of the setting sun. Don’t let it be said that Maleev doesn’t know what the fuck he’s doing. Dude definitely does.
OZMA OF OZ 8. Not Young’s best, yet even when not delivering his best, Young still runs circles around the other kids. It’s beautiful. And hilarious…look at that chicken’s face?!
PUNISHER MAX 15. Very nice Dave Johnson piece. Great use of limited color and shape.
RED SKULL 1. Wow, a really great piece by David Aja. Great colors and shapes, great period feel and poster like quality. Feels very much of a specific time and place.
SECRET AVENGERS 15. Haaaaaaate it. Why is the unzipped shit necessary here? How is it making this cover better and less ridiculous? The expression here also leaves me dead cold.
SKAAR KING OF THE SAVAGE LAND 5. I love that this building has arms. And is pissed. Awesome.
THE FEARSOME FOURSOME 2. I guess this is supposed to be referencing that amazing quintessential Fantastic Four cover? The problem with referencing greatness is you really have to bring it. This did not bring it. But at least there are only four main characters this time, right?
THE HULK 36. I love how the woman in the foreground looks like a fucking supermodel while she’s busy being unconscious and…electrified? /sarcasm!
ULTIMATE FALLOUT 1. Another contender for the “Lame-o, Flame-o” moniker. Something about this really fucking bugs me actually. I can’t quite put my finger on it though…or maybe I just can’t articulate it.
UNCANNY X-FORCE 12. Hmmm. Bonus points for Psylocke looking Asian. But I’ve got to take points off for slight brokeback positioning, and a fucking thong.
But really, let’s get to the important bits…Warren is going to be piiiiiiissssssed!
VENOM 5. Nice concept and I like how the light comes through.
WOLVERINE & BLACK CAT: CLAWS 2 #1. Seriously? I just I can’t even talk about this one I hate it so much. More unzipped heroine bullshit…and her nipples are like crazy out of control. I guess the silver lining here is that her tits don’t look fake? That’s a piss poor silver lining though.
WOLVERINE & DEADPOOL: DECOY 1. Haha! I’m sorry, Deadpool makes me laugh. I can’t help it.
WOLVERINE 12. Nice Jae Lee Wolverine as per usual. Not wild about the digital effects used for snow…
X-23 12. This works pretty well thanks to interesting color choices. Also nice to see Laura’s tits are back to “normal size” after last month’s fiasco. Hard to fall in love with this entirely though. Especially since the book has been sucking pretty hard. I finally dropped it…but was sad to do it. I miss Liu’s Black Widow. *pouts*
X-MEN 14. Wow. This sucks on so many fucking levels.
First of all…tell me this isn’t phoned the fuck in and I will call you a liar to your fucking face. I will also probably slap you.
Second…are we supposed to think she’s naked under that straightjacket? When does that happen? Seriously…have you ever even seen that before…except for maybe in some crazy (literally) porn?
Third…is this supposed to be Emma Frost? If so it looks nothing like her and I’m only getting it on chance because she has blonde hair, blue eyes and the rest of the cover is white. Total fail…Emma is so goddamn easy to draw. And she’d never be caught dead making this expression. Not in the last 10 years at least.
Fourth…so we NEED to see her tits even though she’s in a straightjacket? Is that REALLY necessary?
Again I say this evening…FUCK YOU COMICS.
X-MEN 15. This however, is all kinds of awesome. Will be interested to see if it holds up under colors.
X-FACTOR 222. Those green red-eyed dogs need baths. Tout suite.
X-MEN SCHISM 1 & 2. See below for the FULL breakdown.
X-MEN SCHISM 1 & 2. See below for the FULL breakdown.
Oh how this sucks…let us count the ways! We’ll start on the left and move to the right.
1. Wolverine’s veins. Just weird and WTF worthy.
2. In addition to having the ugliest costume ever conceived (not Cho’s fault) Dazzler has a fucking camel toe here. Seriously?!
3. Psylocke looks like she’s taking a shit.
4. You can see the outline of Psylocke’s nipples.
5. You can see the outline of Amara’s nipples.
6. You cannot see the outline of Emma’s nipples…the one character where it MIGHT make sense…but no.
7. Rockslide looks like he’s taking a shit.
8. Northstar and HIS SISTER Aurora look like they’re about to make out. Seriously, when was the last time you touched your sibling like that. I’ll tell you when…NEVER.
9. Aurora is contorted into a nearly impossible position…it looks ridiculous.
10. You can see the outline of Aurora’s nipples.
11. I have no idea who that old guy is.
12. Colossus is covered in veins…in his metal form?
13. You can see the outline of Storm’s nipples.
14. Pixie is giving hardcore “brokeback”. It looks rigoddamndiculous.
15. Rogue’s costume is SLUTTIER and LOWER CUT than Emma Frost’s. Really comics? I am so sick of this shit.
16. Surge’s torso is way too long. Also, she doesn’t look like Surge and her gauntlets are stupid when they should be awesome.
17. Laura (X-23) looks like she’s taking a shit.
18. Cyclops’ torso is about eleven feet too long.
19. Magik is giving SERIOUS “brokeback” for no goddamn reason. It looks fucking ridiculous.
20. Honestly…Magneto is the only one that comes out well here…mostly because he looks like he doesn’t want to fucking be there. Me either dude, me either.
Wow. What a shitty fucking way to end. I’m either going to have to go blow my brains out or eat a sandwich.
Sandwich it is.
Till next time folks!