July 2011 Marvel Drunk Cover Solicits In Three Sentences Or Less…

Here are the “rules“.

And if you’d like to see the full July 2011 Marvel solicits head over to CBR.

That’s right, back by popular demand, it’s the return of DRUNK COVER SOLICITS IN THREE SENTENCES OR LESS!

If you like your comics covered in Captain America spooge, Wolverine spooge, or Fear Itself spooge…you’ve come to the right place!!!

15-LOVE 2.  I’ll be honest…I don’t get this.  I don’t get it at all.  So we can publish this book but not a brilliant looking Ben Caldwell Wonder Woman?  Or an awesome Big Barda/Scott Free wecomic?…Comics…I just don’t get you.

Also, her cheek and eye are way weird looking.

ALL WINNERS SQUAD BAND OF HEROES 2.  If I’m one of these guys, I’m asking my Sergeant if I can please NOT parachute down with the guy with the giant target on his shield.

Also, am I just crazy drunk or does the guy in the foreground look like he just came?

ALPHA FLIGHT 2 (variant).  The shadow on the wall is kinda ingenious.

AMAZING SPIDER-MAN 665.  I’m kind of shocked I’ve never seen this idea before.  Or I blacked out and forgot.  Either way, me likey.

ASTONISHING X-MEN 40.  If this is Abigail Brand turning into a brood, I have to say I’ve seen it done way better…especially when Mignola did it with Storm.  If it’s something else…well, I still don’t like it.  Especially the stupid background.

BLACK PANTHER: THE MAN WITHOUT FEAR 521.  Both the Black Panther and The Man Without Fear are scarier when they’re not covered in crappy American colors and insignia. He looks like an American Flag.  If I ran into this guy on the street I would laugh hysterically.  Therefore comics, UR DOING IT WRONG.

CAPTAIN AMERICA 1 (variant).  “Lame-o Flame-o”, as my mother would say.*

*Yes, she says that.  No, none of us know what the fuck it means or where she got it.

CAPTAIN AMERICA 1 (variant).  The desaturated colors on this are nice.  But Cap looks like he’s taking a poop.

CAPTAIN AMERICA 1.  Ooh. I hate his one the mostest.  This is the pre-poop, constipated expression I guess.

CAPTAIN AMERICA AND BUCKY 620.  Ugh. Is the jacket supposed to be three sizes too big?  It probably has some significance that my drunk sick brain cannot comprehend…but on the surface…as a drawing…it just doesn’t work.  The expression is….Ah, I give up.  TOO MUCH CAPTAIN AMERICA!

CAPTAIN AMERICA CORPS 2.  Jesus H.  Here’s another one.

DAKEN: DARK WOLVERINE 11.  Well, I don’t give a flying crap about Daken (I mean, “dark wolverine”? really?!) but she seems kinda cool.  I might read a story about Donna Kiel.

DAREDEVIL 1.  Wow, the use of text here is brilliant.  Love it!  It’s especially great on the birds.

EMMA 5.  This is nice, if only because it doesn’t have fucking Captain America on it.  It’s some nice work by Janet Lee, but she can do better, it feels slightly stiff and the composition isn’t as great as what I know she can do.  Still, pretty.

FEAR ITSELF 4 (variant).  Honestly?  Scott is rocking that Magneto uniform…which kinda shocks me.

FEAR ITSELF 4.  The center image is nice, powerful.  I could do without the stupid bars imagery that surrounds it though.

FEAR ITSELF: THE HOME FRONT 4.  This is great.  Look at the colors!  The glow of the shots from his gun, the way the sunlight hits everything.  Really beautiful.

FEAR ITSELF: UNCANNY X-FORCE 1.  This is totally fucking badass. How the light/fire is coming through them and kind of eating away at them…amazing.  The figure work and rendering, the coloring…all of it is really great looking.   Also, I’m glad Psylocke finally has an interesting place to call home.

GHOST RIDER 1.  A nice Ghost Rider image.  He’s pretty hard to fuck up though…lots to go just ape shit with as an artist.  The colors are particularly nice here though.

HERC 5.  See Herc, I’ve been telling you for months now…that fucking giant lion thing on your shoulder is a liability…it’s in your way…I don’t care how good you think it looks (and in truth it looks way stupid)…any enemy would be an idiot to not attack you where that giant thing sits.  It makes it impossible for you to do things like…turn you head, or properly defend yourself.  It’s hard for me to feel bad for you, I warned you like twice man.

HEROES FOR HIRE 9.  Heroes for Hire makes strange bedfellows…I think that’s half of what I like about it.

JOURNEY INTO MYSTERY 625.  Wow, this is fucking beautiful.  The bright pink petals are a stroke of genius in this otherwise very green palette.  Gorgeous.

MARVEL UNIVERSE V WOLVERINE 2.  Wow, the ENTIRE Marvel Universe versus Wolverine?  We’re really trying to make him the ultimate badass, eh?

MOON KNIGHT 3.  This is very nice.  From color choices to sketchy style.  I particularly love how we lose aspects of Moon Knight in the glow of the setting sun.  Don’t let it be said that Maleev doesn’t know what the fuck he’s doing.  Dude definitely does.

OZMA OF OZ 8.  Not Young’s best, yet even when not delivering his best, Young still runs circles around the other kids.  It’s beautiful.  And hilarious…look at that chicken’s face?!

PUNISHER MAX 15.  Very nice Dave Johnson piece.  Great use of limited color and shape.

RED SKULL 1.  Wow, a really great piece by David Aja.  Great colors and shapes, great period feel and poster like quality.  Feels very much of a specific time and place.

SECRET AVENGERS 15.  Haaaaaaate it.  Why is the unzipped shit necessary here?  How is it making this cover better and less ridiculous?  The expression here also leaves me dead cold.

SKAAR KING OF THE SAVAGE LAND 5.  I love that this building has arms.  And is pissed.  Awesome.

THE FEARSOME FOURSOME 2.  I guess this is supposed to be referencing that amazing quintessential Fantastic Four cover?  The problem with referencing greatness is you really have to bring it.  This did not bring it.  But at least there are only four main characters this time, right?

THE HULK 36.  I love how the woman in the foreground looks like a fucking supermodel while she’s busy being unconscious and…electrified?   /sarcasm!

ULTIMATE FALLOUT 1.  Another contender for the “Lame-o, Flame-o” moniker.  Something about this really fucking bugs me actually.  I can’t quite put my finger on it though…or maybe I just can’t articulate it.

UNCANNY X-FORCE 12.  Hmmm.  Bonus points for Psylocke looking Asian.  But I’ve got to take points off for slight brokeback positioning, and a fucking thong.

But really, let’s get to the important bits…Warren is going to be piiiiiiissssssed!

VENOM 5.  Nice concept and I like how the light comes through.

WOLVERINE & BLACK CAT: CLAWS 2 #1.  Seriously? I just I can’t even talk about this one I hate it so much.  More unzipped heroine bullshit…and her nipples are like crazy out of control.  I guess the silver lining here is that her tits don’t look fake?  That’s a piss poor silver lining though.

WOLVERINE & DEADPOOL: DECOY 1.  Haha!  I’m sorry, Deadpool makes me laugh.  I can’t help it.

WOLVERINE 12.  Nice Jae Lee Wolverine as per usual.  Not wild about the digital effects used for snow…

X-23 12.  This works pretty well thanks to interesting color choices.  Also nice to see Laura’s tits are back to “normal size” after last month’s fiasco.  Hard to fall in love with this entirely though.  Especially since the book has been sucking pretty hard.  I finally dropped it…but was sad to do it.  I miss Liu’s Black Widow.  *pouts*

X-MEN 14.  Wow.  This sucks on so many fucking levels.

First of all…tell me this isn’t phoned the fuck in and I will call you a liar to your fucking face.  I will also probably slap you.

Second…are we supposed to think she’s naked under that straightjacket?  When does that happen?  Seriously…have you ever even seen that before…except for maybe in some crazy (literally) porn?

Third…is this supposed to be Emma Frost?  If so it looks nothing like her and I’m only getting it on chance because she has blonde hair, blue eyes and the rest of the cover is white.  Total fail…Emma is so goddamn easy to draw.  And she’d never be caught dead making this expression.  Not in the last 10 years at least.

Fourth…so we NEED to see her tits even though she’s in a straightjacket?  Is that REALLY necessary?

Again I say this evening…FUCK YOU COMICS.

X-MEN 15.  This however, is all kinds of awesome.  Will be interested to see if it holds up under colors.

X-FACTOR 222.  Those green red-eyed dogs need baths.  Tout suite.

X-MEN SCHISM 1 & 2.  See below for the FULL breakdown.

X-MEN SCHISM 1 & 2.  See below for the FULL breakdown.

click to enbiggen!

X-MEN SCHISM. 

Oh how this sucks…let us count the ways!  We’ll start on the left and move to the right.

1.  Wolverine’s veins.  Just weird and WTF worthy.

2. In addition to having the ugliest costume ever conceived (not Cho’s fault) Dazzler has a fucking camel toe here.  Seriously?!

3.  Psylocke looks like she’s taking a shit.

4.  You can see the outline of Psylocke’s nipples.

5.  You can see the outline of Amara’s nipples.

6.  You cannot see the outline of Emma’s nipples…the one character where it MIGHT make sense…but no.

7.  Rockslide looks like he’s taking a shit.

8.  Northstar and HIS SISTER Aurora look like they’re about to make out.  Seriously, when was the last time you touched your sibling like that.  I’ll tell you when…NEVER.

9.  Aurora is contorted into a nearly impossible position…it looks ridiculous.

10.  You can see the outline of Aurora’s nipples.

11.  I have no idea who that old guy is.

12.  Colossus is covered in veins…in his metal form?

13.  You can see the outline of Storm’s nipples.

14.  Pixie is giving hardcore “brokeback”.  It looks rigoddamndiculous.

15.  Rogue’s costume is SLUTTIER and LOWER CUT than Emma Frost’s.  Really comics?  I am so sick of this shit.

16.  Surge’s torso is way too long.  Also, she doesn’t look like Surge and her gauntlets are stupid when they should be awesome.

17.  Laura (X-23) looks like she’s taking a shit.

18.  Cyclops’ torso is about eleven feet too long.

19.  Magik is giving SERIOUS “brokeback” for no goddamn reason.  It looks fucking ridiculous.

20.  Honestly…Magneto is the only one that comes out well here…mostly because he looks like he doesn’t want to fucking be there.  Me either dude, me either.

Wow.  What a shitty fucking way to end.  I’m either going to have to go blow my brains out or eat a sandwich.

Sandwich it is.

Till next time folks!

Tags: , , ,

25 comments

  1. NB’s avatar

    Harsh! But well deserved. :(

  2. Blank’s avatar

    Lots of pooping this month!

    -I’m still pissed that All-Winners looks like a super serious Cap-and-a-bunch-random-soldiers bullshit. I wanted to read a fun retro book about the actual All Winners Squad! I miss Whizzer and Mrs. America :(

    -Cap Corps: I like his little blue shorts on top of his blue tights.

    -Daredevil: The pidgeons have little ‘coo’s on their heads, that’s a nice touch.

    -Emma: It looks like it was colored with markers(?) and I love the texture of them showing through. So much prettier than bland computer coloring.

    -I love all the Moon Knight covers so far. I don’t like Maleev’s super photo ref artwork (although it works for Scarlet) and I’m so glad he’s back to free hand drawing.

    -Secret Avengers: Um, ew. She uh, looks like she’s pooping.

    -Wolverine/Black Cat: I actually like the style there, it reminds me of Bruce Timm’s stuff (also I like Wolvie’s super hairy arm), but that unzipped cat suit is just awful.

    -Schism: Aside from Dani, all the women have the exact same build… even the kids like Pixie and Surge. I do like Archangel, Emma, and Kitty and Lockheed here though. And poor Dr. Nemesis, Domino, and Dust are stuck in the background between random smoke and boobs.

  3. Caanan’s avatar

    Wow. Somewhere along the way Frank Cho kinda lost it. Too many people feeding his indulgences? I dunno. I miss Liberty Meadows…

  4. litbandit’s avatar

    Wait…so Black Panther gets to be Daredevil and Captain America…that’s like…monopolizing on super-identities.

    I’m tired of these “Great Events” like Fear Itself and whatever crap DC is doing….I miss when each comic had it’s own story line and there was the occasional cross over between like-books (such as the x-men crossovers of the 90′s and the ones spanning the Batman books)

    Honestly, for someone who doesn’t read all that many comics anymore…the Big 2 are just getting way to complicated for me to start reading them now.

  5. Brendan T’s avatar

    That Journey Into Mystery cover is the perfect example of something being sexy without being trashy or exploitative. Or maybe it’s me.

    Also, is that seriously a sexy Brood? Did they go there? Ugh.

    Too many characters pooping this month.

    Also, I had a big diatribe to my girlfriend the other week about how I don’t terribly mind a sexually charged character like the Black Cat wearing her top partially unzipped (though that goes a bit far) but someone like the Black Widow doing it makes me want to vomit Red Lantern fire onto everything.

    This month has pretty well reaffirmed that. Why must superhero comics be so love/hate?

  6. Brendan T’s avatar

    ALSO!

    That All Winners Squad cover?

    Not just orgasm face, but looks like he’s…um…servicing his rifle. Which is placed in a rather…

    Yeah. That fucking cover.

  7. uthor’s avatar

    DAREDEVIL 1 – The first thing I noticed before realizing EVERYTHING was made out of words was the pigeon’s wings … and I read that as FAP FAP FAP pointed right at DD’s crotch.

    *sigh*

  8. optionalplayer’s avatar

    CAPTAIN AMERICA CORPS 2 – Nice bulge there, Cap.

    DAREDEVIL 1 – What an interesting take on him. I also love the baton placement.

    FEAR ITSELF 4 (variant) – Scott looks like he’s puckering up for the camera.

    UNCANNY X-FORCE 12 – GKJHFGUOYT:LGLYRFPUI:GTLYHJGF!!!!!!! Here comes another great story arc.

    X-MEN 14 – That is the biggest cover fail in a long time.

    X-FACTOR 222 – Where’s Strong Guy? Ohnoes!

    X-MEN SCHISM 1 & 2 – Yeah. Yeah. . .
    The old guy may be Darwin? Maybe?

  9. herring’s avatar

    Re: Half done up zips

    I’ve always wondered if all these lady heroes put a couple of safety pins through their zippers, as I don’t see how they’d stay done up when hero-stuff ensues.

    Re: X-23

    Any chance of it going back on the pull list after “dream of the fisherman’s wife” Takeda finishes her run, given who the next artist is?

  10. ross’s avatar

    haha, “pre-poop” XD

  11. Maciej’s avatar

    Hey, you know what an u-boot is? You take a full glass of beer, then you take a shot glass of vodka, then, well, you take the latter and drop it into the former. I am doing my third one now, so you are writing drunk, I am reading drunk!

    Well, I’m already writing, so once again thanks for the podcast; it’s great, I cannot even pinpoint the thing I like the most about it. I love everything, and – swear to anything you want – it’s not the alcohol talking!

    So, once again, best wishes from the Polish wilderness,
    Maciej

  12. Hutch’s avatar

    I’m pretty sure that is the moon that Moon Knight’s outline is getting lost in. Red sky at night and all that.

    Wow. That Schism cover. Even Bobby looks like he is getting ready to squat and drop a load.
    And Rogue showing cleavage at all is just plain stupid.

    Lots of fail this month from Marvel.

  13. Stuart’s avatar

    The foreshortening on that Captain America #1 variant is hilarious. His shield’s just, what, twice the size of his hand? And maybe a 10th the size of that flag he’s holding?!!

    Clever Daredevil cover too.

    Can I get some odds here on when Kelly’s going to start her Skottie Young fansite: “Look At The Face On That Chicken”?

  14. 1979semifinalist’s avatar

    @NB: That’s all I can ask really. :)

    @Blank: The pigeon coos is fucking brilliant.

    The hand coloring work (I believe it is marker) on Emma (and in most of Janet Lee’s work) is great. Such a nice change.

    @Caanan: Agreed, I have LOVED Cho at times. Something went seriously wrong here.

    @litbandit: Your comment about Big 2 being too complicated to jump on easily? Agreed. It’s a real problem. I’m really “in” comics right now and I have trouble jumping on and/or keeping track of things.

    @Brendan T: Agreed on unzipped costumes. To me it’s a matter of both context, and consideration. i.e. Context – if EVERY superheroine wears an unzipped costume it makes no sense. and Consideration – a character’s personality/persona and function should drive if she would maybe unzip her costume (though the physics of unzipped something to UNDER boob still elude me)…but yes, Black Cat is MAYBE a character I can see doing something like that (again, not THAT low), along with Emma Frost and a handful of others. Black Widow? No. Rogue? No. A massive number of other ladies that get subjected to this? No.

    @uthor: Haha. I didn’t notice…but you’re right.

    @Optionalplayer: Darwin? You think? I know his head is shaved…but he doesn’t look old…does he?

    @herring: Agreed on the zips…there would be naked loose boobs everywhere the second a hero bent over, or you know, ran anywhere. So stupid.

    I don’t think I know the new artist on X-23…will look it up. But if it’s not Takeda then I’ll definitely consider it. I still don’t know why it’s not Ross Campbell though..he’d be killing that book!

    @ross: I thought you’d enjoy that.

    @Maciej: Perhaps drunk IS the best way to read these, the same way it is the best to write them. :) And thanks!

    @Hutch: Moon definitely makes more sense given it’s MOON Knight.

    @Stuart: “Look At The Face On That Chicken”? DONE. ;)

  15. LAndrew’s avatar

    “Also, am I just crazy drunk or does the guy in the foreground look like he just came?”

    Why do you think they call them “Howling” Commandos? ;)

  16. Keith Bowden’s avatar

    Spot on, Kelly. What the hell happened to Frank Cho? That is absolutely the worst thing he’s ever done. I mean, even ignoring the “good girl art” fetishism, it’s poor anatomy, composition…

    Still, the DD cover almost makes up for everything else. But most of these covers make me less than interested in knowing who anyone is or what’s going on.

  17. herring’s avatar

    @1979semifinalist:

    The next artist for X-23 is Phil Noto.

  18. MechanisticMoth’s avatar

    You make me so happy all of the time.

  19. ***Dave’s avatar

    On Amazing X-Men #40, I think you’re referring to was not Mignola, but the (excellent) Paul Smith transformation of Storm on the cover of Uncanny X-Men #165. (Just happened to see it in the Essential #4). (http://marvel.wikia.com/Uncanny_X-Men_Vol_1_165) But I agree with the sentiment.

  20. 1979semifinalist’s avatar

    @LAndrew: Nice.

    @Keith Bowden: Thanks. Yeah, I’ve always like Cho (most of the time) but this is a massive miss…on many levels.

    @herring: WOW. Okay, yeah, I’ll get back on board for X-23 with Noto for sure.

    @MechanisticMoth: Wow. Nicest thing said, EVER.

    @***Dave: That Paul Smith was great, but I actually prefer the Classic X-Men #69 re-imagining by Mignola: http://blog.1979semifinalist.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/07/mignola-classic-x-men-69.jpg

  21. Sam’s avatar

    What the hell is wrong with you with unzipped stuff and nipples? Stop whining. Seriously!

Comments are now closed.