Here are the “rules“.
And if you’d like to see the full September 2011 DC solicits head over to CBR.
Your bi-monthly installment of DRUNK COVER SOLICITS IN THREE SENTENCES OR LESS!
Before we get started, I should probably let everyone know, since maybe not everyone who reads this post reads my other stuff, that I do have very serious, non-drunk thoughts about this re-launch and you can read some of those thoughts here, or listen to them here if you’re interested. Now onto the drinking!
Many of you regular readers know that this was a BRUTAL comics related week for me. Lots of rage-inducing stuff. So THAT plus COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF ALCOHOL and well…LET’S JUST SEE WHAT HAPPENS! Of course, to make these EVEN MORE FUN…this is DC’s SEPTEMBER solicits, so that means that this is RE-LAUNCH MONTH. WOOP! Anything can happen people, ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN.
All right bitches…let’s get into this shit…
ACTION COMICS 1. God of all comics writes this. And apparently Superman wears patchy fucking jeans. Minus the weird jeans thing the image is kind of cool I guess. It’s hard for me to care though…I haven’t read Superman in…ever I guess. PASS.
ALL STAR WESTERN 1. I feel like this is important if only cause it’s not a straight up superhero comic. Still takes place in Gotham though (apparently). Would it kill us to expand our geography a bit? Apparently. PASS.
AMERICAN VAMPIRE SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST 3. Awesome. Great darks and lights and composition and lots of layers and interesting shit going on. Nice limited color palette too. Also of note is that Snyder and Murphy killed it on the first issue of this so you should probably buy it.
ANIMAL MAN 1. This is awesome because any cover that has a giraffe on it is awesome (so says Kelly). Bonus points for having a giraffe AND a fucking octopus. I’m on the fence on this one because on one hand GIRAFFE, on the other Jeff Lemire is writing it and I know I’m supposed to be a fan like everyone else, but I just haven’t been that impressed. WE’LL SEE.
AQUAMAN 1. Hate the art. Mostly cause it’s trying really really hard to be SO INTENSE. INTENSE MAN! Makes me feel like it’s overcompensating. But you know…dudes have NEVER done that before. Also, no disrespect to Aquaman cause he’s a longtime hero dude, but I have trouble with the suspension of disbelief on Aquaman…I think I just have trouble taking the talking underwater thing seriously. PASS
BATGIRL 1. So I have lots of feelings about this…but I’m drinking and I’ve already talked about all of them, so I’m not going to get into it. I’ll just say that though this is pretty I have two problems with it (beyond the whole “it shouldn’t be Barbara Gordon thing”)…1. If it’s not fucking Stephanie Brown can we please get rid of the GODDAMN PURPLE!?! ahem. And 2. Her eyes are really motherfucking crossed here. Looks weird. PASS.
BATMAN & ROBIN 1. And here we start to come with some problems with re-launching a relatively new series…there’s nothing TERRIBLE about this cover (though Damian’s cape is way stupid) but there’s no way it’s better than this one from barely two years ago:
So people (like me) end up going…WTF…it’s definitely not better or more interesting than what happened two years ago? PASS.
See how that worked? LAME.
BATMAN 1. I’ll definitely be trying this out thanks to Scott Snyder writing it…dude is a badass. But I’m not excited like I want to be. Detective comics (with Snyder and Jock and Snyder and Francavilla has been AMAZING…why fix it if the shit ain’t broke?!). Unrealistic as it is, I kinda dig Bats cape here…kinda cool. Kinda the opposite of Damian’s stupid cape on Batman & Robin. BUY (let’s count them as we go!)
BATMAN: THE DARK KNIGHT 1. So if above you were all “Kelly, they already had plans to make all these changes, thus they couldn’t leave Detective (etc) alone, cause it was already decided blah blah blah”…I say “BALLS TO YOU!” They’re basically leaving this crap alone! Why can’t they do the same for Detective? This is basically ANOTHER new Dark Knight, with the same shitty Finch story and art (sorry man, but it’s decidedly not good)…so we’re re-launching what…
half a dozen issues in…MAYBE 3 issues in? MAKES NO SENSE. I wasn’t buying it before, I’m not buying it now. PASS.
BATWING 1. And this is an example of almost getting it right and then fucking it up immediately. Cause I was kinda interested in Batwing, if only cause it’s a black Batman and I’m wiling to try that out. And then I read Judd Winnick’s rambling bizarre mess of an interview, which sounded like he didn’t have a fucking clue and now I’m out. PASS.
Sidenote: DC, prep your fucking people or don’t let them do interviews. Winnick’s Batwing and Catwoman interviews this week were two of the most ridiculous fucking things ever.
BATWOMAN 1. Well, this is obviously a buy, as it has been for…sometime just around FOREVER now. But I’m not counting it as a “buy” because so far as I can tell nobody is touching it (thank the gods) which means it doesn’t count to me as a “re-launch” despite the convenient numbering. The cover is awesome (as always) but I’m pretty sure I’ve already talked about it at least three times before, so let’s just move on yeah? J.H. Williams is a god. End of story.
BIRDS OF PREY 1. It kind of pains me greatly that I can’t buy this…I mean look at it? Badass Jesus Saiz art and a BoP team that actually appears at least to have some diversity. And despite my bitching earlier in the week, Black Canary’s costume has grown on me. Plus even Poison Ivy looks kind of rationally dressed. All good things. However, Gail Simone has been pulled from the book, which I strongly object to and Oracle is gone (and it’s her damn team) since she’s no longer Oracle, which I even more strenuously object to. So, with a heavy heart, PASS.
BLACKHAWKS 1. I’m kind of interested in the girl with her ass to us. It looks like she has purple-y hair, a blue kitten tattoo, pink sneakers, and smiley face buttons on her badass blackhawks uniform…so it could be love. I will probably pick this up and flip through it. If she delivers inside as well, I’ll give it a shot…if not PASS, cause I don’t need ANOTHER book starring an old white dude. Really don’t.
BLUE BEETLE 1. The only book I am 100% excited about. GO JAIME REYES! BUY (2)
CAPTAIN ATOM 1. Yawn. Also, too much purple.*
*This is a private joke for people who know that I kinda hate purple. I’m sorry if it was lost on you, but now you know that I kinda hate purple and will get the not funny jokes next time! Yay!
CATWOMAN 1. And this to me, is the biggest most ultimate fail of the whole damn thing. Because Catwoman is a character I could not be MORE interested in. And yet I couldn’t be LESS interested in this book. First there was the image which is Guillem March, who should NEVER be hired to draw chick focused books. So says ME.
This sucks on so many levels before you even get to the ridiculous-ness that is Selina, unzipped, partially undressed, hanging of a building, and pouring diamonds in her cleavage (most of which are falling to the ground anyway?!). It’s just a stupid image across the board even without dealing with over the top sexuality ridiculousness. So strike one there (or like eight strikes, whatever). THEN we got the solicit text, which called Catwoman an addict…like a billion times. Which is totally NOT what Selina is about. So strike two there (or we’re up to like 12, I can’t count). THEN we get one of the worst creator interviews I’ve ever read courtesy of Judd Winnick in which is he basically says she’s SEXY about a dozen times. WE GET IT JUDD, SHE’S SEXY! And really, in ALL SERIOUSNESS…did anyone NOT know she was sexy before seeing that image? Before reading that interview? Bitch is sexy. Bitch would be sexy in a burlap sack. We don’t need it shoved down our throat 24-7. So that’s strike three…or like 94…I lost count. HUGE FUCKING PASS. In fact, MOST ANGRY PASS OF ALL TIME.
Also, clearly I went over three sentences…by A LOT, but it seems warranted, no?
DCU PRESENTS 1. I like Deadman. This cover is cool. Tentative BUY (3)
DEATHSTROKE 1. Um, no. Look at that sword? Just silly. He’s gonna get a STROKE just LIFTING it. Haha, get it. Yeah, I know it’s not funny, what are you going to do, ask for your money back? I thought not! PASS.
DETECTIVE COMICS 1. Yikers. This is a pretty compelling cover, if only cause every time I look at it I think the Joker is eating real baby heads. Good cover, even if I’m a devoted non-fan of Mr. Daniel and don’t understand why he gets to do these “big books”. This is Daniel right…? I’m too lazy and drunk to look it up…oh wait…there’s the giant ugly signature, yup, Daniel. PASS.
DMZ 69. Awesome, as per usual. Great composition, limited color palette and use of lights and darks. Love the look of this series, every damn month it’s just on.
FABLES 109. Very cool. Don’t love issue number integration the way I usually do, but the figures as rendered and on that clean creamy white canvas is good stuff. I say again, very cool.
FIRESTORM 1. This cover is like…everything I hate in comics. Congratulations comics! Despite Gail Simone co-writing this I’m going to have to pass. PASS.
FLASH 1. I’m not trying to be a dick…and maybe it’s cause I’ve never read much Flash…but this just seems like the same old bullshit that we always see. You know what I’d like to see for once? A cover where the Flash stands fucking still. Seriously. I’m thinking that might be revolutionary. Or I’ve just had to much to drink. One or the other. PASS.
FRANKENSTEIN: AGENTS OF SHADE 1. I don’t know what’s going on here, but I know it’s phallic as fuck. Do these dudes even look at what they’re drawing…? Jesus man. PASS.
GREEN ARROW 1. This is the best they can do for a Green Arrow #1 cover? Really? The dude in front of a blank wall, in front of an undefined blank space? A few newspapers floating around. Jesus H. people, talk about phoning it in. Also? Green Arrow needs to do that trick where you look in the mirror and take one thing off before you leave the house. Costume is WAY on the fussy side. PASS.
GREEN LANTERN 1. This is more interesting for a first issue at least. Fist powerfully clenched, bloody, full of power? Yeah, cool. Still, a PASS for me.
GREEN LANTERN CORPS 1. I like John Stewart, almost as much as I dislike Guy Gardner…so it’s a wash. But I probably wouldn’t have bought this anyway. Also, what’s up with the way the earth looks. Odd. PASS.
GREEN LANTERN NEW GUARDIANS 1. The silhouette-y-ness (making up words!) is fun. I like this cover. Not going to buy it based on liking the cover alone though. PASS.
GRIFTER 1. I kinda always liked Grifter (I also always kinda liked Gambit, but there’s no accounting for taste I guess). But I’m mostly only interested in him when Zealot’s around. You do a Zealot and Grifter book and we’ll talk. In the meantime, is Grifter trying to shoot ghosts? Cause I’m not a rocket scientist but that’s probably not gonna work. PASS.
HAWK & DOVE 1. BWAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHA. I mean…I don’t have to say anything…right? I mean, we all just KNOW what’s so fundamentally wrong here, right?
Also DC…it’s decisions like this that make people think you are BATSHIT CRAZY INSANE.
ULTIMATE VEHEMENT HATEFUL PASS.
HELLBLAZER 281. Sweet boots. Although I confess I’m a bit over the whole “aren’t I a rebel badass cause I’m smoking in front of a no-smoking sign with clear disregard for said sign”. That doesn’t make you a badass rebel. I mean it’s A SIGN. What’s it gonna do? Grow up.
HOUSE OF MYSTERY 41. Jesus H. Christ. It’s too late at night for my innocent eyes to see shit like this.
iVAMPIRE 1. Judging by the CBR poll I think DC has underestimated the knee-jerk reaction and desire to be contrary of comics fandom. People (by which I mean chicks) are WAY into vampires these days…it’s a whole “thing”, but people who aren’t into Vampires are way NOT into vampires. This is a bad title for a book that could actually be good. It’s nice to see some actual NEW content. Still, for me, this is likely a PASS if only cause of that chicks non-outfit on the cover. Way to appeal to neither dudes nor chicks DC. Kudos!
iZOMBIE 17. I love Mike Allred. This is not a strong cover. Though my bias against floating heads may be affecting my judgment.
JUSTICE LEAGUE 1.
There was a time when Jim Lee’s artwork could make my panties wet. TMI? Yeah, probably. Let’s reign it in. Trying again…There was a time when nothing looked better to me than Jim Lee’s artwork. That time was nearly 20 years ago (jesus I’m old). I’m not saying he shouldn’t draw anymore or that he’s bad. He’s not, he’s JIM MOTHERFUCKING LEE, but he’s also Co-Publisher (whatever that means) at DC. He should not be drawing books anymore. And he really shouldn’t be designing costumes anymore (I’m not sure that was ever his strength quite frankly). It’s really really hard to do even one important job really well…I don’t think he should be trying to do two.
Also, Wonder woman’s boobs in this picture make me ENRAGED. Look at her compared to all the other characters. Is this really necessary comics? Come the fuck on. I might check out this first issue of this – curiosity and cats and all that. But ultimately it’s a PASS unless it blows me away (which it won’t).
JUSTICE LEAGUE DARK 1. The idea of this book appeals to me. As does Madame Xanadu getting some page time. However, why Madame Xanadu has to come complete with massive fucking boob hole escapes me. Also, the idea of changing Zatanna’s costume, which never wowed me, but which at least made sense considering who/what she is, with a strapless pleather looking bustier and pleather looking pants is fucking stupid. Still, I have to give this a tentative BUY (4) – again, curiosity and cats.
JUSTICE LEAGUE INTERNATIONAL 1. I admit…I’m tempted. I like Loprestri’s art. I like Batman and Booster Gold as well as Fire, Ice, and Vixen. I appreciate that Vixen’s costume has been modified to make it less fucking absurd. This is tempting…though I don’t know what happened to the character that was in the bottom left originally…strange. Tentative BUY (5).
LEGION LOST 1. Let me tell you where you lost me here…though I suspect you can guess. See the costume on the lady with the wings (which look like they aren’t attached by the way)…yeah. Ridiculous. See the only other lady present and that she’s wearing a super low cut top and a fucking skirt? Yeah. See how every dude is fully covered up? These are the signs you give me that tell me that this book won’t be for me. Lost a potential reader. Maybe only one…but maybe I am FUCKING LEGION. LEARN ALREADY. PLEASE?! PASS.
LEGION OF SUPERHEROES 1. I like this cover, it’s cool. Probably not going to buy it though unless I hear great things. PASS
Drinking update: The Veuve is gone and we’re only on the letter L! Fuck me. Moving on to Vodka and waters with lime. This is gonna be a long night…already 2:30 am. What have I done!?!
MEN OF WAR 1. What about the wimmens? Just kidding (mostly). Nice colors. Nice composition. War stories leave me a bit cold though to be honest, so probably a pass for me. PASS.
MISTER TERRIFIC 1. Great cover (love the colors and graphic elements), interesting creative team and premise. Finally some diversity. Definitely giving it a try. BUY (6)
NIGHTWING 1. Love Dick (um, you know what I mean, don’t be 12), but liked him as Batman (against all odds by the way) so I’m not thrilled by this. Don’t understand why a character whose color is blue is bathed in red…especially now that we know that Tim Drake will NOT be retconned into oblivion. I no understand DC. I probably not buy anyway so don’t worry. PASS.
NORTHLANDERS 44. AWESOME. As always. I hear Northlanders is canceled. It makes me want to burn something down. There’s no justice I tell you. NO JUSTICE!
O.M.A.C. 1. Stupid. Stuuuuuuuupid. Is that supposed to be his fucking hair? I say again, STUPID. PASS.
RED HOOD AND THE OUTLAWS 1. I’ve given this artist (Rockafort isn’t it? I’m too drunk and lazy to confirm it) a reasonable amount of praise on this site. That ends now. Look at her crazy totally unnecessary boobs. C’mon man. Hard to tell if her costume is better…though it would be physically impossible I think to actually make it worse. Also, Red Hood gets a fucking book and Cass Cain remains in nowhere oblivion? Again I say, THERE IS NO FUCKING JUSTICE. PASS. HUGE GROUCHY FUCKING PASS.
RED LANTERNS 1. That’s a whole lot of red. A whole lot of way uninteresting red. PASS.
RESURRECTION MAN 1. Good illustration, decent cover overall. Just not my thing probably. Doesn’t help that it’s yet another white dude. PASS.
SAVAGE HAWKMAN 1. Would it have killed them to make this Savage Hawks? Or Hawkman & Hawkgirl (should be woman, but whatever). As is, pretty not interested. Covers not much to write home about either. PASS>
SCALPED 53. Very cool. Smart and well-executed, as usual with Scalped. Be sad to see this go, if only for a bright spot every month in cover solicits.*
*To clarify, as I understand it DC didn’t cancel this but it is ending at issue 60.
STATIC SHOCK 1. Good to see some more diversity. I confess to not being that interested in Static Shock…but I hope it will find an audience. I don’t love this cover but I think that’s just a personal taste thing, nothing really wrong with it. Reluctant PASS.
STORMWATCH 1. I love Martian Manhunter, but not enough to spend money on this I don’t think…certainly not with this as the “exciting first issue cover” Booooring. PASS.
SUICIDE SQUAD 1. Well fuck me sideways, this sucks donkey balls. What the fuck have they done to Harley?! WORST. CHARACTER. REDESIGN. EVER. For negative bonus points King Shark looks all f’ed up too. What a goddamn trainwreck this is. This is what I get instead of Gail Simone’s consistently good Secret Six? I hate you people. PASS. ANGRY MOTHERFUCKING PASS.
SUPERBOY 1. I already tried out the “new” Superboy comic this year DC…that was your shot. It wasn’t for me then, it won’t be now. That said, this cover is pretty great. PASS.
SUPERGIRL 1. I have a lot of reasons that I can’t really talk about why I won’t be buying this. But those absolutely silly cut out knee boots are not helping your case. I guess I should just be glad the skirt is fully gone…but it’s just…it’s NOT THAT HARD TO GET THIS RIGHT PEOPLE. PASS.
SUPERMAN 1. This drawing is not making a good argument for the new costume…with its totally disproportionate upper to lower body problems. But the belt is especially embarrassing…like bad design 101. PASS.
SWAMP THING 1. Good under-used character, Scott Snyder, and Yanick Paquette? I’m in. BUY (7)
TEEN TITANS 1. I hate ever motherfucking thing about this. But you know the worst thing? We’ve gone from Nicola Scott to Brett Booth. ARE YOU INSANE DC?! It’s decisions like this that make me confident in my utter lack of confidence in you. PASS. HUGE EMPHATIC PASS.
THE UNWRITTEN 29. As usual, good beautiful stuff. I like how they don’t fake it out on Unwritten…if it’s supposed to look period with creases and torn corners, that’s how it looks. Gorgeous.
WONDER WOMAN 1. Where Cliff Chiang goes, so goes my nation. BUY. HUGE BUY (8).
YOUNG JUSTICE 8. Too much green. I get what they were going for, but it fails.
Oh thank christ we’re done…now onto Marvel. 3:00 am. Jeezus.