Here are the “rules“.
If you’d like to see the full Marvel October Cover Solicits head on over to CBR.
Come one, come all, to our bi-monthly installment of DRUNK COVER SOLICITS IN THREE SENTENCES OR LESS!
Since DC’s got dropped pre-SDCC and Marvel’s post SDCC, I had to break these up. Hey, more drinks for me! Woo. Unfortunately, these are a bit on the boring side. Some controversial horrible stuff, as per usual…but mostly a pretty ho-hum day at the office.* I tried my best folks. Next time, more drinks!
As a sidebar, I wanted to link to The Casual Optimist, who picked up my 52 Favorite Covers post this past week, and referred to these solicits as “Drunken Demolitions”…which is awesome enough that I definitely wish I’d thought of calling them that first. Thanks Dan!
*At least all the event shit is drawing to a close. Still a lot of Spider Island crap and a few Fear Itself holdovers, but we’re getting out of it thank the gods.
ALPHA FLIGHT 5. I heard about this book. I’m pretty sure they call it “CANADIANS LOVE GUNS!”
More seriously…what is up with the guns?!?
AMAZING SPIDER-MAN 671. Ugh. There’s kind of a lot to hate about this I’m sorry to say. Her outfit is “blech”. Her bust to waist ratio is…I mean…jesus h. And based on the solicit text I think this is supposed to be MJ with “spider powers”…in which case I guess she’s supposed to be sticking to this wall…but in typical lazy comics fashion she looks like she’s posing…or inviting you “in”…or something “sexy” instead of something more powerful, which annoys the crap out of me. Last but not least…WTF IS UP WITH HER EYES?!
AMAZING SPIDER-MAN 672. This is just…not good. I really don’t mind more cartoon-y styles…in fact, I think that I frequently prefer that…but there’s just so much weird and wrong here for me. It just doesn’t work.
ANITA BLAKE: CIRCUS OF THE DAMNED 3. The mangling of her calf makes it hard to tell…but the anatomy of her legs seems very fucked up to me. More importantly, look at that dude’s muscles THROUGH HIS HEAVY KNIT SWEATER?!?! IMPRESSIVE!!!
Shitty bonus points for a total lack of background with added blood spatters.
ASTONISHING X-MEN 43. Soooo here’s the thing about this. On the one hand, OHMYGODTHEBOOBS. On the other hand, it’s Emma Frost, so nothing is too shocking. On one hand, it’s nice to see boobs that though ridiculously ginormous, look like A) real boobs and B) are not held up by magic physics but by an actual functioning corset that would probably work. On the other hand, Emma Frost is one of the few characters “on record” as having had plastic surgery, so she’s one of the few characters that I would give a pass to for ginormous fake tits.
So many hands…I’m honestly not sure where that leaves me…
Oh, I know…here’s the final analysis…do you really want the only thing people talk about in something you draw to be the ginormous tits you drew on a character? Seems a little one note. And what ELSE could we possibly talk about in this image? They completely dominate everything about it.
EDA: Do they look really really lopsided to anyone else?
AVENGERS 18. I generally find art like this, though beautiful and clearly masterful, a bit too perfect and stiff and soulless for my tastes, however, the colors on this one are particularly nice. And the lack of background (just clouds) kind of works in its favor – like the characters are materializing out of mist – rather than feeling like laziness or a cheat. I like it.
AVENGERS 1959 1. I’m one of few people on earth that doesn’t really “get” Chaykin’s art. It leaves me pretty cold to be honest. Maybe it’s the fact that chicks are always SUPER sexualized. I mean, look at the dead dudes in the background…all in suits, while the chick JUST HAPPENS to be in crazy leather fetish gear. Yeah, right.
AVENGERS 1959 2. Ditto, see above. Add “blah floating heads and stuff, blah!”
AVENGERS ACADEMY 20. On the surface, I liked this quite a bit, in both concept and execution. But the closer I looked, drunk though I was…the more it didn’t work for me. The drawing of the picture just feels a little phoned in, in some of the faces and details…also I have trouble picturing Finesse being that cozy/friendly with anyone. I appreciate that Tigra is not in her bikini though for picture day, THAT’S a step in the right direction.
ETA: But wait…it’s WEIRD that she’s in a suit when everyone else is in their costumes. It suggests that she KNOWS how fucking ridiculous her costume is. That for posterity she would cover it up with a suit…which then makes her look like she’s the only one there that’s not a superhero…see, there’s a really easy solution to all of this…give Tigra a reasonable non-ridiculous costume that she doesn’t feel she has to cover up with a suit for picture day.
AVENGERS: THE CHILDRENS CRUSADE 8. Man Cheung is good. Only he (okay and a few others) could make me give a giant float-y head/disembodied bodies cover a pass. But pass it does.
BLACK PANTHER: THE MOST DANGEROUS MAN ALIVE 524. This is pretty damn cool. I wish her costume wasn’t so…misleading. I keep doing a double take looking for her nipple.
Who else wants to take on this formidable* challenge?
*And when I say formidable I mean “easy as fuck” because one thing we don’t have a shortage of in superhero comics are phallic symbols…go figure.
CAPTAIN AMERICA AND BUCKY 623. Um…is Bucky in prison with a bunch of chimp/man hybrids? Did they beat him up? I MUST KNOW!*
CASANOVA: AVARITIA II. Those pandas are awesome. And as usual with Ba the colors are great, the composition is perfect, and the movement and rendering is sublime. Dude can even make flying pandas extra awesome.
DAREDEVIL 5. Well now, this is 100 kinds of awesome.
DOROTHY 2. Not to be outdone by an adorable kitten, Skottie Young’s top-hat piglets take over. I don’t have to talk about how fucking brilliant this is, do I? They are DOING TRICKS!!!
FEAR ITSELF: THE HOME FRONT 7. Hmm. I’m conflicted on this one. I think the movement and composition is great. And I love the use of color…very nice. But X-23 looks not a day over…35. Otherwise, I think I’m down.
FEAR ITSELF 7. Ugh. These covers continue to be two-thirds brilliant and one third utter shit. Go comics.
FEAR ITSELF: YOUTH IN REVOLT 6. I still really hate that costume. So too much going on. Also, not trying to be creepy but what is going on with her um…groin area? Seems weirdly buldge-y.
FEARLESS 1. There’s kind of a lot I could talk about here…but I keep getting drawn back to Ms. Red Skull Head’s very very weird thigh/hip area. I get that she’s wearing those weird period pants that pooch out your thighs (which no woman would wear by choice outside of that time period) but still…something is NOT RIGHT there.
GENERATION HOPE 12. Pretty effective use of white space. If you’re going to go for no background, then I say commit! The illustration is pretty compelling as well.
GHOST RIDER 4. Oh man. I don’t want to offend any undead readers that may possess skull heads and like to make out on the regular…but this is some shit I just cannot un-see. In fact…yeah…I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
I thought I would be too grossed out to be still be annoyed that she continues to have magic hair that can’t apparently be “burned” or whatever, but I’m not. I’m still SUPER annoyed.
HULK 42 – 50th ANNIVERSARY EDITION. Kinda fun. I especially like the “old-timey” comic book letters.
INCREDIBLE HULK 1. Um. How does he bend his arms? Does he even have elbows?
INVINCIBLE IRON MAN 509. Hmmm. Pointy.
Also…the um…crotch area here is a little…odd. And why does it have a reflection on it…when everything else around that are is dark black? #makesnosense
IRON MAN 2.0 10. I really appreciate that War Machine is trying his best to give us a decent “dude brokeback”. He’s for equal opportunity offense!
JOHN CARTER PRINCESS OF MARS 2. Well, I like this, for a variety of reasons including the fact that I have devoted a religion to Skottie Young and it would be blasphemy for me to decry anything of his…but I do have to point out that there’s no way this chick can stand up on that one ankle. Shit would just snap as soon as she put pressure on it. STILL! #skottieyoungforpresident
JOURNEY INTO MYSTERY 629. I should probably abstain from talking about this for conflict of interest reasons.* However, it’s just too awesome. We all know it’s awesome right? I think my favorite thing about it is that it looks different than Hans other JIM covers…which works well since she’s doing these cards depicting the world, but not ACTUALLY being the world…really smart stuff.
*For those of you that may not know, I’ve got a four page story forthcoming from Womanthology and I was a lucky enough bastard to get the AMAZING Stephanie Hans as the artist for my story.
LEGION OF MONSTERS 1. Well now…HELLLLLLLOOOO NURSE!!! This is fucking gorgeous. Who is this Juan Doe? A new favorite artist of mine? Me thinks yes.
MIGHTY THOR 7. Dudes…reconsider the armor. It looks ridic.
MOON KNIGHT 6. See now, this is good. Except…does she have little futuristic wings…or not…I can’t tell if that’s just an illusion…or deliberate. Still, pretty!
MYSTIC 3. Again, Conner is not wowing me with these Mystic covers…but even a phoned in Conner cover is better than most.
NEW AVENGERS 17. Oy. Is this issue about our heroes trying to escape from a very scary ground pit that tries to suck them in? Cause um…that’s what it looks like. Just silly.
NEW AVENGERS 17 – 50th ANNIVERSARY VARIANT. Pretty cool. The Dave Cockrum original was better though.
Which begs the question…if you can’t to better – and that’s no judgment – so few of us can do better than masters that we emulate – why bother if you can’t bring some new insight to the table?
NEW MUTANTS 32. I don’t mean this in a phallic way but…JESUS CHRIST ON A FUCKING BIKE…LOOK AT THE SIZE OF DANI’S SWORD?!
I can’t decide if it’s awesome or silly. Survey says?
Otherwise (and perhaps regardless) I kind of love this cover.
PUNISHER 4. These have been phenomenal covers so far that, plus Rucka is writing the series and despite ZERO interest in Punisher…I’m in. See how that works “big two”? SEE?!
RED SKULL 4. Here’s the thing about this…it’s great…it’s more than great…but I’m not sure I’m seeing it as a cover (yet?). Thoughts?
SECRET AVENGERS 18. Again I find myself on the fence. I like the idea…mostly. And the execution…mostly. But I’m conflicted.
SPIDER ISLAND: AMAZING SPIDER-GIRL 3. I’m assuming nobody has a fucking clue what’s going on here…right? I’m not just drunk and crazy? Or not just crazy at least? Drunk I’ll give you.
SPIDER ISLAND: CLOAK & DAGGER 3. Oh! This is so close to brilliant, but falls just short. Love the crazy fighting Spider-men…love so much really, but it just doesn’t quite work. Maybe because it’s just a little too confusing to be puzzled out?
SPIDER ISLAND: DEADLY HANDS OF KUNG FU 3. This really works. Creepy, but works. The colors are awesome.
SPIDER ISLAND HEROES FOR HIRE 3. A bit asstastic, and totally a phoned in no-background background; and Marvel is also holding to their commitment that Black Cat always be shown with GINORMOUS breasts and at least 12 inches of low cut in the front of her costume as I suggested was their rule last month...but there’s some good stuff here too…I’m pretty sure.
Siver Surfer: I sense…something…is it…is someone drafting me…or hitching a ride? What is it? I must knoooowwwww!!!
Spider-man: Crap. He knows.
SUPERIOR 5. Pretty cool. Seems crazy phallic…but you know, I guess that’s what you’re going to get when you mix dozens of fighter jets and superheroes. Cause they go together like PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY!
ULTIMATE HAWKEYE 3. Kaare Andrews should draw more covers…becuase this is the first time in FOREVER that I haven’t looked at Hawkeye’s bow and been all “wait…is that right?” Also, Hawkeye just looks cool. Usually I think he looks kind of like a douche…but Kaare gets it.
ULTIMATE SPIDER-MAN 3. Wow. I may have spoken too soon. Kaare…WTF man? I mean…there’s phallic and then there’s PHALLIC. Jesus.
Phallic innuendo aside, shit still looks pretty cool.
VAMPIRES: THE MARVEL UNDEAD. Well, there’s nothing I like about this…but most of all I hate the trainwreck interpretation of Jubilee’s (should be) awesome new costume. Shit should look like this, not like the crap above. Also? I’m sorry but the drawing is just crap. Look at the dude trying to bite Jubilee…what is happening there?! #mostawkwardposingever
VENGEANCE 4. Nice.
VENOM 8. The armor…I can’t tell what is armor and what is muscle…but none of it looks quite right.
WOLVERINE 17. Okay, here’s the thing…not a bad drawing in an of itself..but really?! With the somber lonely “all by myself poor wolvie” wolverine figure PLUS a mangled sign that reflects
3 1 fewer people person living in SF? Cliche. And cue eyeroll. The only interesting aspect is that he didn’t change it by one number, which makes me think that at least 2 people die in the “Schism” shit…which is intriguing…but still. If you’re going to revisit an idea done to death, you have to find a new way to do it.
ETA: Ross is right in the comments…thus everything I sort of found intriguing about this has disappeared.
Sidenote: Apparently when drunk, I can’t distinguish between the number 3 and the number 5. I hope a villain does not become aware of this kyrptonite.
WOLVERINE’S X-MEN 1. Where Chris Bachalo goes, so goes my nation.
X-MEN SCHISM 5. Pretty compelling stuff. It took me a minute to realize they were fighting each other, but regardless it’s good stuff. The composition and use of color, or perhaps more accurately lights and darks, are particularly good.
X-MEN SCHISM 5 CHO VARIANT.
Okay, for the LAST time…here we go. Massive problems with this cover:
1. The fucking size of Thunderbird’s (?) knife.
2. The fact that you can apparently see Dani’s rib bones through her costume?!
3. The fucking length of Surge’s torso.
4. The fact that Laura is taking what looks to be the most painful fucking dump of ALL TIME.
5. The fucking length of Cyclops’ torso. I mean…are you seeing this?!
6. Magneto actually looks fucking fantastic.
7. Magik is giving us some SERIOUSLY intense fucking brokeback. And look at her poor ass…do you know how uncomfortable it would be to have you ass – and by ass I mean INDIVIDUAL ASS CHEEKS – encased in spandex or leather, or pleather, or whatever that is while you fight crime/evil?! It would be like permanently having an atomic wedgie.
PLEASE GOD IN HEAVEN LET THESE COVERS BE OVER!!!!
X-FACTOR 225. Honestly…this is pretty fucking awesome. Very effective.
X-MEN #1 2oth ANNIVERSARY EDITION. Further proof that I hate most “modern digital coloring”…I think this looks like shit compared to the original.
Also, 20th anniversary? I am WAY old.
X-MEN LEGACY 257. Rogue never gets to be on these covers anymore. *pouts*
This is pretty cool though. I’ve always liked Havok.
X-MEN REGENESIS 1. Again, it’s Bachalo? I’m there. I love how he draws everyone…especially Wolverine, Rogue, and Emma.
X-MEN REGENESIS 1 VARIANT. Pretty compelling stuff. Hyper realism is not usually my thing, but this works, especially the Wolvie cuts on Scott’s visor and head…cool and interesting.
That said, I am SO not interested in Wolverine and Scott as enemies. I much prefer them as begrudging grouchy BFFs. So sad.