2012 January DRUNK DC Cover Solicits In Three Sentences Or Less…

Here are the “rules“.

If  you’d like to see the full DC December Cover Solicits head on over to CBR.

Come one, come all, to our bi-monthly installment of DRUNK COVER SOLICITS IN THREE SENTENCES OR LESS!

So, how does the year 2012 start out for DC Comics…let’s see!

ACTION COMICS 5.  And so here we learn that the phallic symbolism was there from the very beginning.  Here it comes!

ALL-STAR WESTERN 5.  Nice lights and darks here and those bats are completely awesome.

AMERICAN VAMPIRE 23.  This is a really compelling image because it’s simultaneously both horrifying and almost fun and light.  It creates a good juxtaposition, though it’s pretty damn creepy.

ANIMAL MAN 5.  OH JESUS FUCKING GOD.  WHAT THE HELL?!  Other than this being horrifying…it’s pretty cool…someone pass the bleach.

AQUAMAN 5.  I have no idea what’s going on here…or what that expression is supposed to mean.  That said, I’m down with the colors.  But you guys know I’m a sucker for limited color palettes.

BATGIRL 5.  Mmmm. This is the best Hughes Batgirl cover yet.  Nice white space and negative space, good composition and movement.  Again, a nice limited color palette.


BATMAN & ROBIN 5.  SIGH. These B&R covers have been crazy disappointing so far.

BATMAN 5.  Nice composition creating nice graphic shapes.  Good lights and darks.  I’m also very down with Capullo’s “super square-jawed Bruce” but for the most part this is not as interesting as the last couple covers.

BATMAN THE DARK KNIGHT 5.  When I see covers like this I have to wonder what these artists think of Batman…my Bruce would never make this weird damn expression.  Also…where IS he?  There’s no structure to where he’s kneeling…it’s so confusing.  I hate it.

BATWING 5.  I guess it’s supposed to be a mask, but at first it looks like Batwing has knocked off part of that dude’s face…and it’s pretty horrifying.

BATWOMAN 5.  So beautiful and layered and horrifying and smart. Look at how much is going on here while still being beautifully executed!

BIRDS OF PREY 5.  SIGH.  WHAT A FREAKING NIGHTMARE.  Why won’t DC just let Finch do his own stupid damn book and stop farming out his shoddy work to all my books!  Everything about this sucks.

BLACKHAWKS 5.  I wish she would turn a little more so we could get FULL brokeback instead of just PARTIAL brokeback.  /sarcasm

BLUE BEETLE 5.  I want to like this book so damn much.  These covers are not helping.  I find them the direct opposite of compelling. :(

CATWOMAN 5.  Man…it takes a really long time to even figure out what’s going on here.  I will say that I like Selina’s face more here than in the other March covers.  But that’s…all I got.  I think that…what is it…white rebar (?) in the foreground is really fucking things up…it’s visually very confusing.


DC UNIVERSE PRESENTS 5.  These Ryan Sook covers with Deadman have been very cool and beautiful.  This one is not my favorite (that would be issue #2), but it’s still pretty damn good.


DETECTIVE COMICS 5.  Ugh. So many damned ugly lines.  It’s so fucking fussy looking.  This return to 90′s overworked superhero art at DC is really bumming me out.  This also really doesn’t work as a split screen. Fail.

DIABLO 2.  Despite weird float-y giant background head I like this.  It’s got a looseness I like and nice movement.

FABLES 113.  I love the illustration work and colors here.  So pretty.

GREEN ARROW 5.  “I have your arrows now little green man!” *

*I’ve run out of jokes.  Yes, already.  Omg we’re only on the letter ‘G’.  :(

GREEN LANTERN CORPS 5.  Is he putting that through that guy’s head?  Jesus comics.

GREEN LANTERN NEW GUARDIANS 5.  I really appreciate a broad that knows how to pose seductively, ass out and back arched, while she’s being sucked into a bright white thing in space.

GRIFTER 5.  I appreciate the guns on the broad, although I’m not sure all of them actually exist.  Also, what good are guns against partially intangible ghost/alien things?  Clearly, not much.

HAWK & DOVE 5.  Does Hawk shave just that one little part of his thigh?  Could that signature panel be any bigger?  Look at Hawk’s back foot…what is he, a ballerina…it’s literally on point?  Does Liefeld have feet?  Does he know how they work?  Why is Hawk glowing red?  Is that what color he turns when he takes a poop? Why are they seemingly in outerspace…but also on a disk of light that looks like ground?  Do you guys see what’s going on with Dove’s hair…as it gets close to the edge? What is HAPPENING there?  Did he just quit?  Did he just look at it and go, “Oh, I mostly finished it, good enough!”

SO MANY QUESTIONS!!!

HELLBLAZER 87.  Um…is there any way that monster isn’t coming out of his genitals?  It totally looks like he’s peeing tentacles.  Which is, I must say, pretty damn impressive.

I, VAMPIRE 5.  I want to like this but honestly…it feels rushed.  There’s not enough variation (even for monochromatic) in the reds…or something.  You know how I’m always going on about “lights and darks”?  This is the opposite of that.  Everything feels very similar in tone, and as a result it’s muddy and impotent.

I, ZOMBIE 21.  Eh. But it’s Mike Allred, so “eh” still means “pretty good”.

Sidenote: Is that a brain inside a coffee carafe?

JUSTICE LEAGUE 5.  Ugh. This is such a mess.  Also, if I’m honest, I could go my WHOLE DAMN LIFE without seeing another giant American flag waving.  It’s become such a cliche that it doesn’t even inspire any feeling any more.  I’m also not a fan of Diana holding a giant knife. WTF?  Nice to see Cyborg front and center I guess if I HAVE to look on the positive side.

JUSTICE LEAGUE DARK 5.  This is great.  Despite just being a fighting mess, it’s got great clarity and movement.  The characters all have personality and vibrancy.  The composition is nice, the color, the negative space.  Great stuff.

JUSTICE LEAGUE INTERNATIONAL 5.  “Grandmother…what big EYES you have.”

“Also? What a bizarre fucking costume you have…especially in the uh…nose area…”

LEGION OF SUPER-HEROES 5.  What the hell is going on here?  Is this an interior page or a cover?  It’s a fucking mess whatever it is.

LEGION: SECRET ORIGIN 4.  Um…Ditto.

MEN OF WAR 5.  These covers are pretty good.  The use of negative space and composition here is great, and the graphic elements on the flag are cool and the lights and darks here are very strong.

MISTER TERRIFIC 5.  It’s odd because some of this is really beautiful…but Mister Terrific himself looks really bizarre – strangely posed and weirdly proportioned.  And what’s up with his face??

NIGHTWING 5.  Why does Nightwing have green goo inside him?  I thought at first maybe this was the “clone” dude that’s been causing havok (right? the Nightwing “double” or whatever?)…but there’s also blood…so I don’t know what the F is going on.  I will say that fans of Dick’s anatomy all over the world can’t be enjoying this.  Also, “Dick’s anatomy”?  Not a phrase you get to say every day.

NORTHLANDERS 48.  Gorgeous.

PENGUIN: PAIN AND PREJUDICE 4.  Smart and well executed.

RED HOOD & THE OUTLAWS 5.  Oh joy. More chick tropes for this book. We’ve had the “chick that loves to have meaningless fucks with dudes and their friends – cause she’s an alien“, “chick that wears completely unreasonable costume – cause she’s an alien“, now we can have the tried and true “damsal in distress”.  Woo.  Go comics!

RED LANTERNS 5.  I just…I don’t even have words.  A giant thong, 100% brokeback pose, AND vomiting blood?  Awesome.  /sarcasm

STATIC SHOCK 5.  Gotta say, I miss the Chris Brunner/Rico Renzi covers…they had this great color palette and much more interesting compositions.  T_T

STORMWATCH 5.  No goddamn idea what is going on here…except that I think the guy in red is getting a knee to the groin…cause that’s definitely a “knee to the groin expression”.

SUICIDE SQUAD 5.  If you can look past the absolutely ridiculous Harley costume there are some nice graphic elements to this cover, including the text.  The color choices are on the smart side as well.  And frankly…I kind of like the drawing.  Too bad about the goddamn costume.

SUPERBOY 5.  Oh Caitlin Fairchild…how far we’ve fallen.  This used to be you.  Now you’re a clinging damsel in distress…with one of the most bizarre bare midriff I’ve ever seen, a totally inappropriate skirt, and raised leg “sexiness”.  This doesn’t really feel like progress. :(

SUPERGIRL 5.  Other than the extreme low-cut-ness of our villainess I kinda love this.  Great colors and action, composition and movement.

SUPERMAN 5.  I’m trying not to be incredibly bored by this.  I am failing.

SUPERNATURAL 4.  Nguyen continues his brilliant watercolor covers.  I wish he could take over the world with these watercolors.

SWAMP THING 5.  That pig is PISSED.

THE FLASH 5.  When this guy poops a million ghost-y skulls come out to play.  Also, poop.  Eww.

THE RAY 2.  Wow.  This is great.  The way the figure is rendered in light is really fantastic and it naturally creates really great lights and darks.  Great moment, composition and negative space.

THE SAVAGE HAWKMAN 5.  I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again.  That’s savage, yo.

TINY TITANS 48.  Sometimes I feel like Tiny Titans is the only comic book that listens to me.  Thank you Tiny Titans.

UNWRITTEN 33.5.  Gorgeous as always.  I really like the colors here, very muted and beautiful.

UNWRITTEN 33.  Well, I mean it has an awesome dragon…so you don’t have to do much more than that!

VOODOO 5.  I guess I feel thankful that Voodoo has a costume that fully covers her. But I dislike that she basically looks like a white girl with a tan.  Beggars can’t be choosers?

WONDER WOMAN 5.  Absolutely awesome.  What an amazing way to end.  Cliff Chiang makes everything better.

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14 comments

  1. Greg Burgas’s avatar

    You know why you don’t like the Blue Beetle and GLC covers? TYLER KIRKHAM ART!!!!!!

    That can’t be the cover to Northlanders #48, because it’s the splash page of Northlanders #45. Maybe DC doesn’t have a cover yet?

    I thought maybe that Caitlin doesn’t have a bare midriff, but I think you’re right. WTF is up with that? It’s just bizarre.

    To paraphrase Don Henley (that’s right, I’m paraphrasing Don Henley!), I don’t think you’re drinking enough. Still, your comments are always fun!

  2. ross’s avatar

    WHAT HAPPENED TO MISTER TERRIFIC?!?!?! o_O

    man, that Northlanders cover. dang.

    i love the Animal Man face-eating cover. maybe i should read that book.

    i cannot–no, I WILL NOT, get past the new Supergirl costume. cannot stand the red S-diaper/S-maxi pad.

  3. ross’s avatar

    PS: i don’t know if Fairchild’s baring her midriff… it looks grey, it looks like it’s got stone/armor texture on it and it has a wrinkle on it too. it almost looks like the artist started out with the midriff bare, did the musculature and bellybutton, but then changed it by adding a cloth wrinkle + grey colors but didn’t go back and fix the rest of it.

  4. Maverickman874’s avatar

    I kinda like the painted look of Finch’s cover.

  5. Hooper Triplett’s avatar

    Two thoughts – little to no interest in Jonah Hex, but that cover has sold at least one more issue. Stunning. Real facial expressions!

    And I had the exact same reaction to the Hellblazer cover – John’s taking a leak and discovers symptoms of supernatural gonorrhea.

  6. Wendy’s avatar

    For Red Hood & the Outlaws, what is going on with Starfire’s feet? And where is that blood coming from? It looks like her hair is bleeding.

  7. litbandit’s avatar

    What an overwhelming month of “bursts of yellow” covers!
    Aquaman looks like he’s drowning in a sea of pee. Command those waters, Arthur!

    The Suicide Squad looks like a tasteless knockoff of a DMZ cover.

    Mister Terrific is like “I’m just here…I didn’t do anything…it wasn’t me.”

  8. Caanan’s avatar

    Now we know where Scarecrow gets his fear gas from.

    Oh, come on! If anyone’s gonna fart fear gas, it’s BATMAN! ;) Scarecrow is just there to collect…

  9. The Mighty Monarch’s avatar

    Kirkham’s usually fine, but his Blue Beetle covers are just ATROCIOUS. Thank GOD we have Ig Guara on the interior art. After the cover the book looks absolutely GORGEOUS.

  10. @zombieundergrnd’s avatar

    On the Hellblazer cover, it looked more like Constantine was pissing ON the creature (that will show it).

    When there is a no-doubt “brokeback” image, then absolutely you call it (like Red Lanterns – good gods that was ridiculously bad). But the Blackhawks cover is not brokeback.

    So … American Vampire … when do we get the “Women in Car Trunks” (WiCT) blog? (sorry, couldn’t resist)

    So am I the only one who DIDN’T like Capullo’s work on Batman? Just a tiny bit too cartoony for me on that title (reminds me very slightly of Humberto Ramos — whose work I just greatly dislike).

    Based on the positioning, it almost looks like Diana stole the knife out of Arthur’s hand on the Justice League cover.

  11. Andrew’s avatar

    I look forward to this feature every month.

    With the Supergirl cover, the villain’s actually quite terribly drawn – short legs, large head – unless she’s meant to look like that…?

    And I wouldn’t say the Blackhawks cover is even partial brokeback – she’s not twisted her torso at all.

    I find the Batwoman cover way too busy.

    The Legion: Secret Origins one works pretty well; it’s just a typical “team attacking” shot – clean lines, actual background, a variety of facial expressions. It’s not a brilliant cover, but it’s no mess.

    And I’m pleased to see Capullo winning over folks who dismissed him as a no-talent, McFarlane clone when the creative teams for the Nu52 were announced – he’s one of the best in the biz. I see his Bats/Bruce as similar in style to Quesada’s, from way back when (“Sword of Azrael” mini).

  12. Ben Cohen’s avatar

    I know I have been giving Cliff Chang a harder time then the Mench deserves (other than that one panel I still love. So now add this WW cover to things I love about him.

    I could read your Liefeld feet jokes all day. I laughed out loud. Why is that joke still funny?

    Tiny Titans is still the best superhero comic, but The cover is flawed. Babs is standing on the boarder.

    That Suicide Squad cover makes me want to buy it…but I know better.

    What the hell is Northlanders and why does it have the best cover?

    Hellblazer commentary: HAhahahaha!

    Detective comics…wow that is bad…this is what made me stop reading superhero books in the 90′s…is it back?

    Catwomen: It took me a few, but I think I figured out the anatomy. I don’t buy the reflection though.

    Batwomen: so glad you mentioned there was more there to see.

    Of the covers with Batman, Batman is the best…which is good, cause that is the one I am reading.

    American Vampire: Oh my god that is awesome in form and function. I love it and I am completely scared.

  13. Greg Burgas’s avatar

    I forgot to mention, regarding your comment about the Hellblazer cover: I hope you have seen the trailers from the new Ghost Rider movie. Apparently Nic Cage pisses flames in it. I have to believe Cage wanted that in the movie, because he’s totally insane.

  14. Brendan T (@TheUnholyDragon)’s avatar

    I really, really, REALLY like Fairchild’s characterization within Superboy. She’s smart and capable and compassionate. Generally a pretty wonderful character and in a lot of ways benefits from the difference. But then, I liked her character before, even if one of her superpowers was literally to have huge boobs and a hot body. Which was really only played for being as creepy as it was in Simone’s take. (surprising no one, I think)

    But yeah, that cover’s a terrible representation of ANY version of her really.

    Always love the drunken solicits.

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