August 2012 DRUNK Marvel Cover Solicits In Three Sentences Or Less…

Here are the “rules“.

If you’d like to see the full Marvel August Cover Solicits head on over to CBR.

So, again, I have to admit that these were mostly good. Much more good than bad. That said, I was REALLY drunk (i.e. much more drunk than usual) when I did these…so I found plenty of things to pick at. Hopefully at least a few are funny, rather than just raves. Enjoy!

ASTONISHING X-MEN 43. And we’re off and running right out of the gate! Great idea, great execution. Super phallic, but worth it! Also, don’t forget the bomb behind him, which I almost missed the first time. Cool shit.

AVENGERS ACADEMY 34. Another home run. I’m not really familiar with this artist (Camuncoli) but this is epically cool.  Love the colors and the emotion…the effect he creates with the colors between her costume and power…really good stuff. Also, this cover does exactly what every cover is SUPPOSED to do – makes me want to find out what the interior story is.

AVENGERS ACADEMY 35. WOW. Again, another Camucoli…I’m going to have to watch out for this guy. This is gorgeous and haunting and the tiger shape on the brick wall is just the icing on the cake.

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE 6. See now, I want to give this cover credit for zipping up Black Widow (although it kind of looks nothing like her) but look at the green chick…what the fuck is up with that costume…I mean that shit gives costumes like Starfire and Star Sapphire a run for their money. Ridiculous.

AVENGING SPIDER-MAN 10. This is relatively adorable. Don’t you want to know where she finds those giant band-aids…they’re the size of Spider-Man’s forearm?

AVENGING SPIDER-MAN 11. Okay…so this is 100% ADORABLE. And Samnee is a cartooning god. But I’d be lying if I said it’s particularly compelling as a cover to a comic. I mean…Aunt May and Peter having a heartfelt talk over pancakes…? I’m not sure I’m compelled to open it up, y’know?  Especially if there’s not Samnee art inside (is there? I’m too drunk to remember).

AVENGERS vs. X-MEN 9. First of all, delighted to just see a single character and not another goddamn AvX fight. Also, Cheung is a total badass, especially when he doesn’t try to overdo it on covers with too many characters and bunch of floating heads (and a bizarrely unzipped Rogue – I haven’t forgotten Cheung!) but let’s face it…this is FUCKING GORGEOUS. I mean really…really beautiful and emotional and detailed. I love the slices in his costume, which has such a real and tactile feeling to it. LOVE.

AVENGERS vs. X-MEN 10. Eh. Nothing about this excites me. The background is non-existent, which means nobody is anchored in any real space and while it’s a plethora of characters nobody looks particularly awesome or compelling…and it’s just too crowded for it to have any significant design or composition to it.

AVENGERS vs. X-MEN 9. Jesus. I am so goddamn sick of Colossus (and Spider-Man)…this crossover is so overusing the same characters…so frustrating. I’d like some more creative matches. Also, possibly it’s explained in the story…but why is Colossus “normal again” instead of “Juggernauted up”?  Also…is he wearing a fucking loincloth?

Though I’m generally a fan of the very talented Stegman, he’s using one of my least favorite Spider-Man things…which is the super thick/weird Spider-Man webbing. HATE.

A vs X: VS 5. I mean…is Hawkeye/Angel the fucking stupidest match up ever or what? You pick a guy with no powers except flight…and no long range powers…to go up against a guy that can basically shoot anything with an arrow?

Wait…does Angel have his wing blades?

Christ. I can’t remember.

Also, I’ve turned into a super nerd just now. I’ll probably never get laid again. Oh wait, I’m a chick, BONUS.*

*THESE ARE THE JOKES, PEOPLE.

CAPTAIN MARVEL 3. I wish I was more excited by these initial covers. (see next!) I also hated the art I saw in the preview. That said, Kelly Sue DeConnick has proved herself to be a total badass of a writer, so I’m definitely checking it out. I hope you do too.

Last gripe…why isn’t Monica Rambeau the new/old Captain Marvel? *pout*

CAPTAIN MARVEL 3. Well, this is AWESOME. Great positive and negative space, great composition and movement. Captain Marvel looks like a badass and her costume is TOTALLY APPROPRIATE (shocker!) and everything about this is fucking fantastic. MOAR PLEASE!

DARK AVENGERS 179. Clever. And a nice representation of characters. Me likey pretty much (language is devolving at this point and we’re only at “D”).

DARK TOWER: THE GUNSLINGER – MAN IN BLACK 3. This is creepy and cool and the colors are fantastic…but it’s not as flat out gorgeous as the last one.

DAREDEVIL 16. Super simple and super effective Samnee work. Very clever.

DEADPOOL KILLS THE MARVEL UNIVERSE 3. I wasn’t wowed by many of these covers, despite them being by the very talented Kaare Andrews. But this one stands out. The wheelchair on fire, the cyclops eye mask, the wolverine mask. Dude is a badass. I also like how Kaare addressed his package…not to put too fine a point on it…but that shit is usually pretty ignored. This looks like a real costume and a real man. I’m in favor of it!

DEFENDERS 9. I don’t love this cover (though I am intrigued by the half white-out thing) but it’s been a pretty solid book and this issue is drawn by Jamie McKelvie, so…SOLD!

DEADPOOL 59. Fun. Deadpool and Johnson are pretty much always fun.

FIRST X-MEN 1. Jesus fucking christ Wolverine, pull in your goddamn horrifying claws…the kid is fucking begging you!

GAMBIT 1. I am honestly fucking shocked they are doing a Gambit ongoing. I mean…a miniseries, sure…and ongoing…WTF? This from someone who ADORED Gambit at 16. But almost everyone except Marjorie Liu writes him as a fucking ineffectual douchebag. All that said, I still have a soft spot for the dude…and if Mann is doing the art (too drunk to remember who’s on interiors) I would totally check this out. Because Mann manages to make him look hot and not douche-y despite being covered in head to toe purple…and that is quite a feat!

HAWKEYE 1. David Aja you are my god. This is AWESOME. So simple and smart and gorgeous. I’ll be picking this up for the cover alone. Aja is also doing interiors, so that’s a super win.

In other news…WHAT THE GODDAMN FUCKETY FUCK (to sorta quote Sue)…why is Hawkeye the “breakout star” of the Avengers?  If anyone was the breakout star it was Black Widow…and she gets a shitty fucking 3 issue mini-series (that was seriously HORRIBLE) and Hawkeye gets an ongoing with David Aja (who would have rocked a Black Widow ongoing)?  There is no fucking justice, man.

HULK 56. I feel like this had a list of cliches they wanted to check off…

“Savage” chick in an animal print bikini? CHECK

“Savage” dude in a ridiculous headdress? CHECK.

Robots? CHECK

Monster that looks decidedly…um…I don’t know…like some kind of cliche falsely imagined “savage” horror show god (also in a ridiculous headdress)? Whatever it is…CHECK.

Possible monk type in a hooded robe? CHECK.

Also? Shit is damn ugly. No sense of composition or design. It bums me out…especially because the illustration work is good overall. A MILLION SADFACES.

INVINCIBLE IRON MAN 522. Honestly? Iron Man covers usually bore the ever loving shit out of me. But this is is a great idea and a decent execution. Anytime you can use superheroes as chess pieces is a good goddamn day.

JOURNEY INTO MYSTERY 642. I say again, if Alan Davis can’t make it look good (see the giant golden boob globes above) then it probably can’t be done and you should give up on that particular design.

JOURNEY INTO MYSTERY 642. I’m obviously incredibly biased, but I just love Stephanie Hans work. Everything is so well thought out and smartly executed. You can tell how much she invests in character and accuracy in every cover. Not to mention the shit is just beautiful…every time.

MANTHING 3. As I said before, Art Adams should draw ALL THE GODDAMN MANTHINGS FOREVER. This shit is AWESOME.

NEW AVENGERS 29.  In all these years comics really hasn’t figured out how to visually realize a telepath’s powers. They continue to just look like they have a massive headache. It’s weird.

“INSIDE THIS ISSUE! Some really powerful superheroes and a guy in a suit with a headache!”

THE MUPPETS 2. There’s nothing about this that isn’t fun. Also, we all know that Animal is the best Muppet, right?  WO-MAN! WO-MAN! WO-MAN!

NEW MUTANTS 48.  I am old as fucking dirt (it seems like) and I BARELY recognized these dudes as the dead Hellions…are other people going to recognize them…or care?

Sidenote: In case you missed it, I am old. Also my birthday is this month. And then I will be even older. WAH!

PETER PARKER: SPIDER-MAN 156.  I don’t even know if this is the right title…gods I’m drunk. This may be the drunkest cover solicits ever. Anyway, I love this. It seems kind of horrifying, but also beautiful. I love it.

SPIDER-MEN 4. No fucking way. You would NOT kill Miles Morales just after I fell in love with him…RIGHT MARVEL?! RIGHT?!

ULTIMATE X-MEN 15. I like this interesting Phil Noto cover, despite presence of detested floating heads. Lots to consider here. Also, you all know Brian Wood is writing this now, so it’s definitely worth checking out. He’s got my girl Rogue in his hands and I have faith he can do good things. RIGHT BRIAN!?!?

UNCANNY X-MEN 17. It’s hard for me to think of two things I’m more sick of than the goddamn Phoenix and Mister Fucking Sinister. Let’s move on comics.

UNTOLD TALES OF THE PUNISHER MAX 3. Honestly? This shit is badass, right? Ribic is the man.

UNCANNY X-FORCE 29.  Not my favorite of the other Uncanny X-Force covers, but still a strong cover. Not sure why Psylocke is being attacked by her “co-workers” but I admit I’m intrigued. Like most Opena work (I’m like 90% sure I have that right) it’s pretty gorgeous. I really appreciate Psylocke’s practical shoes/boots, and it’s super nice that she’s not in a thong. I do have to wonder about the bizarre cut outs though…?

WINTER SOLDIER 9. I kinda love how intimate this looks. Both sexy and almost…I don’t know…I can’t think of a better word than intimate. I actually don’t love the face on Bucky here, but Natasha looks dead sexy (and zipped up – bonus points!)

WOLVERINE & THE X-MEN 15. HAHAHAHA!

So this is Wolverine, Iceman, Angel, Beast, Rachel Summers/Phoenix/Whatever, and “some guy in a grey business suit” rushing into battle.

I say again…HAHAHAHAA!

Poor Xavier.

X-TREME X-MEN  2.  Um…Dazzler…I don’t know how to tell you this but there is something SERIOUSLY wrong with your forearm.

Also, you’re like one of my least favorite characters ever…so I don’t mind that your face looks like you’re taking a big poop. But I thought someone should tell you.

Wait…is she surrounded by giant tongues?

Double wait…was she wearing a fucking pink cowboy hat? Jesus Dazzler.

X-FACTOR 241. I could REALLY do without Monet’s single giant tear sliding down her cheek and over the shoulder “look back.” HUGE EYEROLL.

X-MEN 33. I kind of dig these weird/interesting Molina covers for the new X-men. Also, Brian Wood is writing, so WIN. Also…I saw a peek inside and guess what? With the David Lopez art Pyslocke actually looks Asian. It’s kind of THE MOST AMAZING THING EVER. Give this book a look, kids.

X-MEN LEGACY 272. What a fucking nightmare. I admit I’m pretty fucking drunk at this point…but I literally can’t make out one single thing that isn’t a poorly drawn Rogue. What a fucking mess. I really like Mark Brooks as an artist and one of his Rogue covers this past year is one of my favorite covers ever…but I don’t know what happened here.

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12 comments

  1. uthor’s avatar

    That’s Gamora in the Avengers Assemble cover and it’s about par for the course as far as her costumes go. She started out with head to toe fishnet that was also cutout down to her navel and a small rope/belt to cover her nethers.
    http://images1.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20050529005629/marveldatabase/images/a/a8/Gamora_001.jpg

  2. uthor’s avatar

    Oh, and she’s officially known as the Deadliest Woman in the Universe.

  3. mooncalfe’s avatar

    a cover showing Peter Parker and Aunt May having a heartfelt talk over pancakes is probably the ONLY thing that would get me to open up a Spider-Man comic, haha.

  4. Greg Burgas’s avatar

    I’m surprised you didn’t feature the next Daredevil cover, which is pretty bad-ass. Look for it!

    Camuncoli has been drawing Hellblazer since Milligan started the book. He trades off with Bisley. You have been reading it, right? I mean, you like good comics, right? RIGHT, THOMPSON?!?!?

  5. Yuri Petrovitch’s avatar

    “Let’s move on comics.”

    You say this (and I agree with you) but I have this awful feeling that it’s beyond their means to stop picking at scabs until they scar over.

  6. @zombieundergrnd’s avatar

    (regarding Avengers Assemble cover) Back in the 90s, Gamora wore a low-cut outfit (http://marvel.com/images/gallery/issue/17457/images_from_infinity_war_trade_paperback) that otherwise at least covered most of her body (though it was of the fishnet variety … so maybe it wasn’t really covering it in the true sense). In the 2000s, she appeared in at least one issue of a Nova title where her outfit was pretty much just ribbons (http://marvel.wikia.com/Gamora_(Earth-616) — see cover image on right side). [I'll throw this in for bonus ---- http://gallery.xcave.net/images/comics/marvel/gamora/Gamora_Nova_m001.jpg ]
    So yeah, they went from a pseduo-covering costume (the fishnet outfit) to one that isn’t much better than ribbons. And they still appear to think it was a good idea.
    The best thing about that Avenging Spider-Man cover (outside of the big band-aids) is the freckles. Not often we see freckles in comics.
    I’m sorry, but there is just something really goofy about Carol’s hair in the new Captain Marvel series.
    Gambit is a douchebag. He started out as an interesting character, but then Marvel pretty much made him a d-bag from there-on out. Kind of like Tony Stark. I used to really, really like Iron Man. But then they made Tony into the ultimate d-bag in Civil War and he has remained there ever since (kind of like Joe Quesada post-OMD).
    You know (actually you don’t), Hawkeye is in my top 5 of favorite Marvel characters (at least back when I was an actual Marvel reader). I followed him over the year in Avengers, West Coast Avengers, Avengers Spotlight, the Hawkeye mini-series, and at least one other Hawkeye mini-series. And I know he has been in at least a couple of other mini-series since, plus the Hawkeye and Mockingbird series (which I would have been all over had I still been a Marvel reader at that point — especially since Mockingbird is a favorite of mine as well). My point is — Marvel has tried and tried and tried (certainly in the 2000s plus) to make Hawkeye work in his own series and they have failed again and again. And I’m not even blaming them for those failures. I think most of those series were actually reasonably good. So essentially what I am saying is — there is not a market for an on-going Hawkeye series (and I really hate to say that).
    Agree on Man-Thing and Arthur Adams.
    Ugh, horrible background choice for the Winter Soldier cover. Ruins what would otherwise be a great cover.

  7. Jax’s avatar

    Don’t worry, Miles is fine. This miniseries is seperate from Miles’s book.

  8. MechanisticMoth’s avatar

    There are a lot of teams jumping out at you from nowhere space in this group of solicits. I like bold, 1-3 (possibly more if you test me) character pieces. So, there are some that appease me… if I actually read more Marvel.

  9. 1979semifinalist’s avatar

    @uthor: Ah, yes. Gamorra. I knew that. She needs a new designers it seems. :)

    @mooncalfe: Haha! I KNEW you would say that. So cute (also, predictable!) ;)

    @Greg: I have NOT been reading Hellblazer. Shameful I know, but I’ve just never read it, so I feel really behind (and impossible to catch up?)

    @Yuri: It’s true.

    @zombieundergrnd: Agreed on freckles. I also agree on the Winter Soldier Background – it’s definitely weak, too bad.

    You make some great points about Hawkeye and now I feel even MORE sure of my position.

    @Jax: I know…but I don’t like the looks of him on that cover. *worried*

    @MechanisticMoth: Yup, Comics have run out of ideas…it’s all teams jumping out at you…wait…are you saying you like them? Or hate them…I can’t tell!

  10. Ray’s avatar

    AVENGERS ASSEMBLE 6: Actually that’s the most covered I’ve seen her in years. Should’ve seen her outfit during the Annihilation Wave when she was fighting besides Nova.

  11. Ray’s avatar

    AVENGERS vs. X-MEN 9: I haven’t been following this as much, but simple view on Colossus. Iron Man tried to destroy the Phoenix, wound up fracturing it into 5 pieces, each taking possession of an X-Man. Don’t know them all but Cyclops, Emma, and Colossus for sure. The Phoenix Five. Weird, yes.

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