February 2013 DC Drunk Cover Solicits In Three Sentences Or Less…

Here are the “rules“.

If you’d like to see the full DC February Cover Solicits head on over to CBR.

ACTION COMICS 17.  Ick. Off to a rocky start. Is this the cover of a book or a really shitty interior page that makes no sense?  Also, while I hate Supes new costume it still beats the hell out of the t-shirt and jeans. And is one of those panels a close up on a fucking knee patch?  WTF?

ALL-STAR WESTERN 17. The desaturation on this one is great. Composition is nice too, great positive and negative space.

AME-COMI SUPERGIRL 1.  Well, if you can let go of the ridiculous costume (which you kind of have to if you’re gonna look at anything Ame-Comi) then this is pretty adorable. There’s some weirdness (her back leg, how her hair and cape are blowing) but it’s all cute enough that I find myself not caring much.

ARROW 4.  Hahahahahaha!  Don’t these look like they come from totally different books?  Like under that question mark you’re going to see something like this?

BATMAN BEYOND 13.  I like this, it’s got a great playful creepiness to it, fitting for The Joker.

BATGIRL 17.  Man, there is not one single thing I like here. The composition is poor, the action is awkward, the costume is bad, the line work is overly fussy, and Barbara’s expression is…I mean, I don’t even KNOW what that is.  :(

BATMAN 17.  Very fucking good. Capullo has been killing his Batman covers…like almost every single one. This is one of my favorites, so disturbing, but such simple and clean work.

BATMAN INC. 8.  I just love the way Burnam draws Bats and Damian Robin, especially Damian. He looks so grouchy and adorable. The rest of the cover is nice too.

BATMAN & ROBIN 17.  Meanwhile this one does nothing for me.  And the more I look at it…it’s just sloppy. I’m like 90% sure we should see the other edge of that Bat signal peeking out behind Bruce and the shadows don’t quite make sense and the capes are just…old fashioned and silly looking with their sharp raggedy edges.  Plus the way the buildings and background is handled is just a bit lazy.  But at least this cover is not the next one!

BATMAN: THE DARK KNIGHT 17. Jesus H. I don’t know about you guys, but that is not any Batman/Bruce Wayne I know.  MY Batman would never make that fucking face.  WHAT IS HAPPENING WITH HIS MOUTH!?!?!?!?! Yikes.  I can’t unsee this shit.  Ever.

BIRDS OF PREY 17.  Eh. These covers for BoP are just not doing it for me these days. And why does her power look like that? It’s coming from her mouth…shouldn’t we only see one of those “effects”?  It makes no sense.  Boo. And now DS is off the book too. All the sad faces.

BATWOMAN 17.  This on the other hand, is fucking stunning.  Amazing figure work, colors, light, and composition. Love to see Williams III doing his thing.

BEFORE WATCHMEN: DOLLAR BILL 1. The colors and attitude on this are fucking awesome and hilarious.

BEFORE WATCHMEN: OZYMANDIAS 6. I’ve been pretty much ignoring BW, which has been surprisingly easy, but you can’t ignore something this fucking gorgeous.  Everything about this is amazing.  Color, composition, negative space, and just sheer illustration work…absolutely awesome.

CATWOMAN 17.  This is a nice Catwoman, I appreciate a lot of things about this cover that wouldn’t be true a year ago (like a normal looking face and a zipped up costume and reasonable anatomy and proportions). But mostly I like that badass bike. It’s about time Selina got some sweet totally distinguishable wheels – even if it does seem more form than function.

DCU PRESENTS 17.  Listen, Sook is ALWAYS good and this illustration is great, as is the composition and the nice shadow work, but the actual action is a little odd. I mean, why on earth aim your arrow there, when his gaping mouth is right there? And when the other arrows in his chest have clearly done nothing?  Then again, I’m complaining a lot about grim and gritty at DC lately so I suppose I should be grateful that this opted for something a little less dark and horrifying and un-seeable (not a word!).

DIAL H 9.  Calling it now, one of the best covers of 2013.  This is AMAZING.  I mean, tip to fucking tail this is just fantastic. I can’t even…I mean…LOOK AT THIS COVER!!!!???!!!

EARTH 2 #9.  “OMG. Help me guys, this giant disembodied hand of light has meeeeeee!!!!!”

FIRESTORM 17.  Man, Red Robin looks like he SERIOUSLY does not know how to throw a fucking punch here.  How embarrassing. You are a SUPERHERO, sir!

GREEN LANTERN 17. This is surprisingly effective. The man of light, plus the simple composition and the way the arm goes into Guy’s chest…all really good actually.

GREEN LANTERN NEW GUARDIANS 17. And this is TOTALLY awesome. Love how he’s breaking apart and the black and white with just a hint of color. I hope this is the final cover, because it’s awesome in its simplicity.

HUMAN BOMB 3.  “Hey, Miss, I’m sorry but I’m going to need to borrow your giant weird fire boob to throw it at this bad guy, okay?!”

I,VAMPIRE 17. Pretty great. Nice illustration work and composition, good textures (though I don’t love the background), and the horrifying fucking mouth on Bennett?  Good stuff.

JLA 1.  I’m sorry you guys but this is REALLY sloppy work. Let’s forget ALL the figure work – yes, both the shitty background and the weak ass foreground – yes, even Selina’s REGODAMNDICULOUS posing – LOOK AT HER FOOT!!! – sigh – okay – yes – let’s forget ALL of that. Let’s focus on only the flag.  My search of “American flag dimensions” produced results on Google in 0.32 seconds. The first link, which gave me exact dimensions, tells me that nobody fucking cares to make this cover look right.  An American flag should be almost twice as long/wide as it is high/tall. The above is barely a fucking rectangle…it’s almost a goddamn square.

Why be so lazy?  I know you have talent, why skimp on something so easy to get right?

While we’re at it, the problems aren’t just in the dimensions, but in the quality of the flag drawing. Everything else is super shaded with a billion little fussy lines and details.  The flag is flat and graphic (but not in a good way) and has a shaky ill-defined line around its edges. It looks like it belongs on a completely different cover. An also shitty one, but one that is more cartoonish and flat and graphic.  WTF.

Everything about this fucking blows.

Covers like this make me so mad.

JLA VIBE 1.  There’s nothing wrong with this really…I’m just still mad about the last cover.  Fucking comics.

JUSTICE LEAGUE DARK 17.  Man, this is great. Janin is getting SO good. It’s so fun to watch an artist develop like this. He was good when he started on JLDark (which is the first time I saw his work) but he has just grown so much.  I mean look at the detail in this piece?  And the expression on Frankenstein’s face?  Priceless.

JUSTICE LEAGUE 17. What the fuck is going on here? Seriously, I’ve been looking at it for five fucking minutes and I still have no idea.  I think, THINK it takes place underwater…but that’s all I got.

These are the jokes, people.

KATANA 1.  A little boring. But the representation of Katana is nice except…wait…I’m not quite sure what’s going on in her crotch area…in fact, don’t look too close or, well, I don’t know what will happen, but it can’t be good.  Crotch aside it’s not bad.  I mean, let’s face it, it could have been WAY worse. But it’s sad to have to think that way.

LOT 13 #5.  This illustration is cool…I like how it’s alternately pretty and horrifying.  However, I’m not sure the “effect” Fabry is using for the blood background (and some of the shots on her) is working as effectively as it should.  Bummer.

LEGION OF SUPERHEROES 17.  I have no idea why Phantom girl is so buff here but I’m into it.  That said, can we all agree that her nipples would be fully visible in that silly ass costume and with that physique? Yeah, ridic.

PHANTOM STRANGER 5.  There is nothing not awesome about this. It’s so simple and yet so fucking disturbing. Jae Lee, you clever bastard, you.

RED HOOD & THE OUTLAWS 17.  I guess this is clever, the execution leaves a bit to be desired for me though.

SAUCER COUNTRY 12. Man, I had to cut back on my comics budget back in September and SC got cut, this cover alone makes me wish I hadn’t done that. This is one of Ryan Kelly’s best covers ever, which is saying A LOT.

SAVAGE HAWKMAN 17.  Don’t hate me, but I like it.

+

SUPERBOY 17.  Hahaha. Look at his face. Is he taking a poop mid-fight?  Also, his form is terrible. Is he at all surprised he didn’t actually hit this thing?

Still, his costume is better than Supes t-shirt and jeans combo.

SUPERGIRL 17.  Really nice. I love how strong and athletic she looks. The costume still works for me, though I know others don’t like it.  The color contrasts here are great and the composition is nice.  I’m also liking Asrar’s new signature. Win!

SUPERMAN 17.  Nothing really wows me here, but mostly I’m fucking annoyed with how Supergirl is rendered.  Such a stark contrast from how Asrar renders her in the last cover.  Rocafort is a good artist but I fear he’s spent too much time with Starfire and her nutty poses and costume. Supergirl looks like a supermodel that accidentally fell into this battle, instead of a superhero like everyone else.  Ridiculous.

SUICIDE SQUAD 17. I wish this had been scaled back a bit, because there’s some cool stuff going on here and if it had gone more graphic and just played with Poison Ivy and what’s going on with her, it would have been pretty awesome. As it is, it’s just too fussy for my tastes.

SWORD OF SWORCERY 5.  You know, I really like Aaron Loprestri, and his Wonder Woman work is some of my favorite stuff he’s done, but I’m just not vibing his work on this title. Maybe it’s that silly ass fussy costume?  Sad face.

SWAMP THING 17. Best Harley Quinn has looked since the reboot.

TALON 5. When I look at this mess all I can think is how grateful I am that March is no longer on Catwoman.

TEAM 7. What are the fucking expressions and body language in this cover?!?!

If I had to write the dialogue for this cover it would go something like this:

RED HEADED CHICK: “Ohmigod. How did I get here? What is happening!?! Did I just break my own leg by twisting it this way?!?!?!”

BLONDE PONYTAIL: “Holy fuck, what is that red head doing here?!?! Did she just break her own leg? What a fucking maroon! She’s also totally in my way!”

ROBOT-ISH DUDE: “This blonde ponytail just shot me in the chest at close range but I am (a robot?) and so I’m going to make sure my face registers nothing. NOTHING!”

Man, I’m good.

TEEN TITANS 17. Don’t kill me but I ALMOST like this.  Don’t get me wrong it’s still way unnecessarily fussy and frustrating, but the color contrasts are nice, especially from a distance.

UNWRITTEN 46. Nice, as always. Great colors and repetition of form.

WORLDS FINEST 9. There’s one thing I like about this…Huntress isn’t getting her ass kicked. Of course she is being carried like any other poor flight-less douchebag on a flying mission, but it’s a step up from what she’s been doing so far in WF covers.

WONDER WOMAN 17.  The simplicity of form in this is just wonderful. I love the graphic representation of the thorny bushes and the trees, the fire, and the silhouettes.  Beautiful work, as always from Chiang.

YOUNG ROMANCE 1.  Blech! I used to talk about how awesome it was that Chiang Wonder Woman was always the last cover so we could at least end on a high note, but now we have this…what a damn shame. I hate everything about this…except one thing…Diana at least looks proactive and powerful in the embrace, rather than seeming passive and damsel-in-distress-y.  That’s not much thought.  I have so much hate in my heart right now.  Haaaaaaaaaaaate. :(

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7 comments

  1. Greg Burgas’s avatar

    I imagine the flag on the Justice League cover is so badly designed (not the dimensions, but the Photoshoppiness of it all) because they’re doing the 52 covers with each state flag. Why draw a nice flag when you’re just going to paste state logos on a bunch of them? It’s still horrible, but I’m sure that’s the explanation.

  2. 1979semifinalist’s avatar

    Gods. If that’s true then all the more reason for them to get it right – at least from a dimensions perspective – on the FIRST ONE. ARGGGGHHH. MY EYES!!!!

  3. Audrey’s avatar

    Everytime I see Wonder Woman and Superman kissing I feel like I’m watching incest play out in front of me except with more gross misogyny as WW is clearly supposed to be the sex object here. I’ve never seen a more sexless relationship predicated on the idea of being sexy.

    I used to legit get a little punch in my cold heart every time I saw Lois Lane aggressively pull Superman in for a kiss. It was sexy and feisty.

    That looks like incest served up on a platter for horny 13 year old boys or 40 something dudes who still operate like they are 13.

    That WW cover is awesome. Wish the book was as good as the art.

  4. Erin’s avatar

    The Young Romance cover is not simply a poor representation of Wonder Woman’s agency, but also of her body. I mean, look at that broken spine, the lack of volume and definition in the legs, and the absurdity of her heels.

  5. Yuri Petrovitch’s avatar

    That “Team 7″ write-up was a joy to read. :)

  6. Josh’s avatar

    The Legion of Super-Heroes cover looks like an homage to an old Giffen cover, but for the life of me I can’t recall which one. That said, yes PG’s costume is ridiculous. I’m not sure why returning the original recipe Legion to continuity had to also bring back some of the dumber costumes…

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