April 2013 DC Drunk Cover Solicits In Three Sentences Or Less…

Here are the “rules“.

If you’d like to see the full DC April Cover Solicits head on over to CBR.

So these are the “much anticipated” (and I assure you that is the correct use of damn quotes) “WTF Certified” DC Solicits, so thanks to a brilliant discussion/suggestions by the lovely DCWOMENKICKINGASS and Bryan Q. Miller, I’m going to do an extra line with my guess as to what the WTF Certified image will be…as I’m sure you all know, it will almost never be a serious guess. Also, I’m too drunk to double-check each of these and make SURE they have “WTF Certification”…so I’m just doing them for all of them.

And because of this extra “fun,” for the first time ever I’m going to do Marvel Solicits first and DC second so that I’m extra drunk for this WTF Certified bullshit.  Here goes!

ALL-STAR WESTERN 19. Um…I don’t know how much any of you know about Mormons…but this has a decidedly “Joseph Smith and his magic golden plates” vibe to it.

WTF CERTIFIED GUESS: I mean, if not for the gun I’d be tempted to say The Angel Moroni…actually, I’m gonna stick by that. This is a riff on the story of Joseph Smith and his golden plates and the Angel Moroni used a gun and we just didn’t know that till now. Shocking!

AME-COMI 2. I appreciate the restraint used with the tentacles and Power Girl’s downstairs lady bits (downstairs lady bits…WHO AM I?!?). Why is Wonder Woman a giant?

WTF CERTIFIED GUESS: Moar tentacles? Just a guess.

ANIMAL MAN 19. Gorgeous illustration work. Wonderful desaturated colors.

WTF CERTIFIED GUESS: Adoring fans?

AQUAMAN 19. I kind of love everything about this. From the extreme-ness of the cartooning to the gorgeous layers of nearly monochromatic blue.

WTF CERTIFIED GUESS: An Aquaman ice pop?

ARROW 6. Nice cover. Great composition, perspective, and expression/body language.

WTF CERTIFIED GUESS: Honestly, I hope this is one that doesn’t have a fold out, because it’s really nice as is and a fold out would really fuck a lot of the things that are great about it.

BATWING 19. It’s weird seeing Batman out in the bright open daylight and without a lot of dark surrounding him, right? It’s kind of freaking me out. Also, does it look like the ground is made of fabric or am I still just freaking out?

WTF CERTIFIED GUESS: I mean…judging from the look of the cover…more white space…but since this is all supposed to be shocking, I’m guessing it’s a pile of bodies…?

And while we’re here, I’m just going to address this whole WTF thing. On the surface, does anyone find it kind of bizarre that a major company like DC is using a phrase that means WHAT THE FUCK???? It seems REALLY weird to me. I mean, I appreciate that it’s kind of ballsy and maybe sorta “young”…but it just seems really…unprofessional? I mean WTF is reserved for people like me who make no money on these kind of things…not a billion dollar corporation…am I alone here?

BATMAN ARKHAM UNHINGED 13. Hmmm. There is A LOT going on here. I mean A LOT. It’s nice they tried to squeeze in a “sexy” Harley Quinn in the extreme background. /sarcasm.

WTF CERTIFIED GUESS: If it has one I’m going to go with MORE STUFF GOING ON. Perhaps another token hottie standing around in the background.

BATGIRL 19. Although that batarang in her hand is ABSURDLY large and shiny (I mean, how the fuck is that supposed to be practical???) I kind of like this cover in general. The perspective is interesting and the cape is cool (if not obeying physics of any kind).

WTF CERTIFIED GUESS: She has thrown someone SHOCKING from this building…and we will SEE WHO IT IS!!!!

BATMAN 19. Lovely cover. Very simple and smart. I love anytime a shadow of someone reveals something. Very pretty. I also like that it’s all desaturated and mostly black/grey/white-ish except Bruce’s eyes. Very nice.

WTF CERTIFIED GUESS: Um, someone SHOCKING dropping a gun? From the glove it looks like Alfred or The Joker perhaps. Alfred would certainly be more shocking…so Alfred dropping a gun??? I hope I’m wrong about that.

BATMAN LIL’ GOTHAM 1. Love it so goddamn much I cannot contain myself. The expressions, the colors, the repetition. So good. I mean look at how adorable Harley is!?!?! SQUEE!!!

BATMAN BEYOND UNLIMITED 15. Is Supes looking a little bizarrely chunky here? Or he just has a super tiny head?

WTF CERTIFIED GUESS: Both of these are offensive, but I’m doing it anyway. Either a Weight Watchers meeting is waiting in the wings, or some ancient Amazon peoples that specialize in shrunken heads.

BATMAN DARK KNIGHT 19. I admit the architecture is impressive but his is so boring I can’t even…zzzzzzzz.

WTF CERTIFIED GUESS: More boring shit?

BATMAN INC. 10. Not the best of Burnam’s…maybe because he has to involve himself in this “WTF” bullshit.

WTF CERTIFIED GUESS: Um, the other half of Batman’s face? Nah, too easy. I bet it will be half of some villain he’s facing’s face…or maybe Damian or something.

BATMAN & ROBIN 19. I like the red wash. Bruce seems mad, yo? Nice illustration and composition…which could of course be horribly ruined by the fold out.

WTF CERTIFIED GUESS: Judging by the bit of yellow cape I’m betting it’s Damian doing something SHOCKING!

BIRDS OF PREY 19. I appreciate Barbara’s buff physique, but this is a bit ridiculous. Look at her fucking abs! Jesus. Also, why are her forearms larger than her biceps? Seems weird.

WTF CERTIFIED GUESS: Captain Cold? Oh man, we’re only on fucking B…so tired of this!

BATWOMAN 19. Wow. Even better than McCarthy’s cover last month. A really nice interpretation of Kate’s conflicting loyalties and life. I like how its all bleeding together. I really love it so much I don’t even want to imagine what is on the stupid gatefold. :(

WTF CERTIFIED GUESS: Man, this is less fun when you actually like the cover. I’m guessing something crazy with Medusa.

CONSTANTINE 2. I think it doesn’t matter how good these covers get, I’m still going to be having dreams/fantasies about the Bisley HellBlazer covers.

WTF CERTIFIED GUESS: Um…moar weird smoke?

CATWOMAN 19. Good movement, not so great composition. Nice character work, but a little sick of this same expression on Selina’s face on every cover. Why does she always have to look crazy? She’s a cat, not a fox. Oh gods, I’ve had too much to drink, that was a terrible fucking joke.

WTF CERTIFIED GUESS: The sign/entrance for Arkham Asylum?

DCU PRESENTS 19. Jesus. A sword all the way through Flash? Dude must have been super fast to get that shit done.

WTF CERTIFIED GUESS: Judging by the cape, Batman. Oh wait, I don’t give a fuck.

DEMON KNIGHTS 19. I love the way Chang illustrates and there’s a lot to like about this, but it’s a little busy for my tastes. Also…the boobs are like…unnecessarily ginormous in both visible ladies. :/

WTF CERTIFIED GUESS: Something Exoristos wants?

DIAL H 11. The detail of this kinda freaks me out. Its gorg though. The background is brilliant.

WTF CERTIFIED GUESS: Someone we don’t want to be holding the dial…holding the dial?

DEATHSTROKE 19. Jeez. Seems excessive.

WTF CERTIFIED GUESS: Someone SHOCKING that thinks very highly of Deathstroke and is holding a sword?

FABLES 128. Lovely colors and composition. Great title integration.

FAIREST 14. So fucking beautiful it hurts. Amazing use of color, lights, and darks. Fantastic composition. Just beautiful.

GREEN ARROW 19. Whelp, I don’t love it.

WTF CERTIFIED GUESS: More helicopters? Probably a crashed one? WTF!!!!  This is starting to make even less sense than when I started. I blame the borderline alcohol poisoning…

INJUSTICE FOR ALL 4. I hate it when the water doesn’t look like water, which is what is going on in the bottom half of this cover. :(

It IS impressive how Superman is keeping his body “horizontal”…actually the more I look at that the more annoying I find it. Grrr.

WTF CERTIFIED GUESS: The other half of the Justice League…and also the Justice League’s literal other halves?

INSURGENT 4. I like the composition of this, and the kind of blurred perspective almost works…but it’s a little wonky.

iVampire 19. I don’t know…there’s nothing wrong with it, but it’s not wowing me.

WTF CERTIFIED GUESS: The other half of whatever vampire horror show is attacking Andrew. And maybe some shadow-y tentacle.

JUSTICE LEAGUE 19. Nice illustration overall, just not my thing, especially lately.

WTF CERTIFIED GUESS: I’d hazard it’s something Kryptonite related, hence Supes “big poop face.”

JUSTICE LEAGUE OF AMERICA 3. I feel like there should be some kind of prerequisite test before artists are allowed to draw either Green Arrow shooting a bow or Hawkman’s wings. This of course is a problem with the latter.

WTF CERTIFIED GUESS: A villain who is not remotely threatened by the force that is Martian Manhunter, Katana, and Hawkman, just worried about Green Arrow. In other words, a fucking idiot.

JUSTICE SOCIETY OF AMERICA something somethingI’mTooTired/DrunkToLookUpTheName 5. Beautiful illustration, even if I am a little weary of the X breaking through Y thing.

Assuming this doesn’t have a “WTF thing”

JUSTICE LEAGUE DARK 19. Nice rendering of these characters, kinetic composition, solid lights and darks…and bonus points for Xanadu having ditched the silly boob hole dress.

WTF CERTIFIED GUESS: Um…something big and ‘splode-y?

KATANA 3. Lovely desaturation and limited color palette on this one. It’s also nice to see some real expression in her face, even if it is horror.

WTF CERTIFIED GUESS: Well, judging by the ghost-y smoke coming from her sword it’s either her husband materializing out of the sword or some baddy sucking up her husband out of the sword.

LEGENDS OF THE DARK KNIGHT 7. I actually really like this cover. Great Batman, interesting perspective, good riot scene overall.

WTF CERTIFIED GUESS: Um…more rioting?

NIGHTWING 19. Um. Idea behind this? A-.  Execution of this?  C+

And with that I feel like I am back in my horrible illustration class at UofA.

That said, this is 600% fewer lines than usual for a Booth cover, so I will fully change my mind and give this a solid A+

WTF CERTIFICATION GUESS: I mean, just a stab in the dark here, but something Joker-y?

PHANTOM STRANGER 7. Yikers.

WTF CERTIFIED GUESS: Well, since we can see most of what would be on the gatefold via those monitors I’m gonna guess it’s a most of a spear and a gloved hand holding it. If I HAD to go further I’d say that I bet there is a whole PERSON attached to that gloved hand. What do you guys think?

RED LANTERNS 19. Whew. What a mess.

WTF CERTIFICATION GUESS: Honestly? Gotta be whatever godless wonder is in charge of “Red Lanterns” making it to 19 issues…I mean, even the Red Lanterns want out at this point. If they destroy that person I bet this book could rest in peace.

REDHOOD & THE OUTLAWS 19.I don’t want to be a dick (seriously, I don’t) but this is some of Mico Suayan’s worst work I’ve seen. It looks really amateur – stiff, and soulless, like the worst kind of slick digital work. :(

WTF CERTIFICATION GUESS: Gotta be the other two-thirds of Starfire’s costume…right? I mean, in truth this costume is actually BETTER than what we used to have…but isn’t that the most SHOCKING thing of all?

Actually you can see it here. I still like my guess better.

SAUCER COUNTRY 14. Very cool. The color choices are interesting and smart.

SAVAGE HAWKMAN 19. Is his costume always this fucking gaudy? I guess I’ve been so focused on shitty feather rendering I forgot to notice. It’s super tacky.

Wait…wait…where’s his other fucking wing?

WTF CERTIFICATION GUESS: It better be someone standing there with his other bloody wing in their hand or this cover makes no goddamn sense.

SUPERBOY 19. Boooorrrrring.

WTF CERTIFICATION GUESS: I REALLY hope it’s more SHOCKING “dna helix stuff.”

SUPERGIRL 19. As always, nice rendering and character work by Asrar, but not my favorite of his covers.

WTF CERTIFICATION GUESS: I got nothing…more earthquake-y stuff.

SUPERMAN 19. Weak. Background is rather terrible. Silver linings? Supes isn’t wearing fucking jeans and a goddamn t-shirt with a baby cape sewn into it.

WTF CERTIFICATION GUESS: Well, since neither of them are paying any attention to whatever it is, it certainly can’t be so WHAT THE FUCK SHOCKING, can it?!?

SUICIDE SQUAD 19. Man, I hate the fuck out of this. Every. single. thing. about. it.

WTF CERTIFICATION GUESS: Honestly? I don’t fucking care.

STORMWATCH 19. I actually really like this, with the limited color palette. However, I assume it’s not finished, which is a bummer because it’s much more interesting this way.

Annnnnd I hate being right. BAH. Not only is this cover “not finished” it’s not even the cover anymore. Boo. :(

SWAMP THING 19. Very fucking cool. Great colors. I doubt this is done either…but I kinda wish it was. Beautiful composition.

WTF CERTIFIED GUESS: Um…more Swamp Thing body? Yeah, I got nothing.

SWORD OF SORCERY 7. I really like Lopresti, but these SoS covers are just not working for me. Maybe it’s all the silly purple…maybe it’s that they seem too fussy in general…I don’t know. It bums me the fuck out though.

WTF CERTIFIED GUESS: A shadow-y figure going through a purple portal? Yeah, I don’t know, but I’m willing to guess it will be SUPER PURPLE.

TALON 7. Not wild about this, but it’s better than most March covers I’ve seen in the last two years so…pass?

WTF CERTIFIED GUESS: More creepy owl people?

TEAM 7. Deathstroke’s undies look ridic. So does his knife.

WTF CERTIFIED GUESS: Well, I’m too drunk, lazy, or both to rotate this cover but I’m guessing they’re shooting at something. You?

THRESH 4. “I STOLE THE BABY!!! I STOLE THE BABY…ER, SILLY LOOKING LANTERN!”

WTF CERTIFICATION GUESS: A huge crowd wondering what the fuck is up with that green lantern and why there’s a rabbit shooting guns?

TEEN TITANS 19. Mostly I’m trying to figure out what the point of “golden ankle bracelets” are?

WTF CERTIFICATION GUESS: Well, gotta be whatever the fuck those tentacles are attached to. And it must be something big since SB has his lasers focused on it instead of y’know, freeing himself from the tentacle that has him.

UNWRITTEN 48. Fucking gorgeous as per usual, wonderful repetition and use of limited colors, as well as lush textures. I don’t know what’s up with this “god-king rabbit” but I want to know.

WORLDS FINEST 11. Eh. Boring. That said, if I don’t have to see the front of her costume (i.e. her logo) then I’m actually into it. It’s actually a really nice design.

WTF CERTIFICATION GUESS: Looks like a dude that is decidedly unhappy to see them making out…especially “raised-leg-style-making out”…which I think we all know is REALLY SERIOUS.

WONDER WOMAN 19. Beautiful Chiang as per usual. He almost can make the strapless bustier work while in action…she looks so strong, powerful, awesome.

WTF CERTIFICATION GUESS: I have no idea but I hope it’s something completely random like a giant happy laughing baby…that one she’s been trying to protect all this time. Yeah, that’d be good.

Oh christ. THANK THE GODS WE ARE DONE. That was BRUTAL.

Until next time, kids. Eat your vegetables and drink lots of champagne!

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10 comments

  1. Caanan’s avatar

    I’d like to think WTF month (by the way, you’re not alone, it’s unprofessional) is just one big joke. Like, the reveals are completely mental because it’s April! If this was one big April Fools joke, wouldn’t that be kind of hilarious?

    I’d like to think that, but I don’t. DC has no sense of humour.

    Half of these look rushed, the other half look unfinished and a third half look like polished turds because the design stage was rushed and they had to go with whatever they could find the strength to muster. Marvel seem to have creators working for them who enjoy it, who bring some style, and fun, and even ‘indie’ sensibilities in some places, while DC can’t seem to rally the troops around their final hour, scurrying madness.

    At this point, after seeing the solicits back to back, the companies can almost be defined by what’s between their legs. DC have their tails, and Marvel can barely walk with what they got hanging there. (Mostly due to their shared universe movie success which was a pretty big gamble, but still…)

  2. Keith Bowden’s avatar

    I don’t think DC understands that in common parlance, “What the Fuck?” is NOT a good reaction to have.

  3. 1979semifinalist’s avatar

    @Caanan: You know, the April Fools thing didn’t even occur to me. It would be rather brilliant in a way…but would be a huge waste of money given the fact that we’ve seen a few of these covers leaked already (not that they’re so interesting/shocking/WTF worthy, but they’re definitely not “April Fools!” either.

    Also, I agree with you, at this point they have no sense of humor, so it’s hard to imagine.

    It’s shocking to me how pro-Marvel I am right now (compared to DC). And yet just a few years ago I wrote about how funny it was that my pull list was heavily favoring DC, despite the fact that I always considered myself a “marvel girl.”

    @Keith Bowden: That is SUCH a good point. It’s a TERRIBLE reaction to have to something. It means that thing is is fucked up and by definition “not good.” Do they not understand that?

  4. Gene Ha’s avatar

    Re: Phantom Stranger #7. Boy do we have you fooled! All of the covers are part of a DC/Adult Swim crossover. Phantom Stranger #7 features the Phantom Limb. But only his limbs show up in the DCU, his head and torso remain in the Venture Verse.

    Gene Ha, the artist on Phantom Stranger #7.

  5. 1979semifinalist’s avatar

    @Gene: I would read the crap out of a Phantom Stranger meets Phantom Limb book! Please pitch that to DC asap! :)

  6. ross campbell’s avatar

    man these are depressing.

  7. MechanisticMoth’s avatar

    I hate acronyms especially online acronyms.
    I’m also giving up on DC.

    “What the fuck!? Where’s all of our revenue going after this awesome WTF Certified month idea!?”

    “What the fuck!? Why are all of our semi-talented creators leaving us!?”

    “What the FUCK!? Who thought of this idea!?”

    “What the fuck!? Why don’t we have gorillas on our covers anymore!?”

    Excuse me while I go read every Usagi Yojimbo trade I own again…

  8. MechanisticMoth’s avatar

    “What the fuck!? People still want that Stephanie Brown bitch to come back!?”

    “What the fuck!? Our marketing strategies are starting to look like desperate grabs for cash to people!?”

    “What the fuck!? How did Warner Bros. even agree to this shit!?”

    “What the fuck!? Why can’t we make more Batman comics!?”

    “What the fuck!? What are fans called again!?”

    “What the fuck!? WHAT THE FUCK!?”

  9. MechanisticMoth’s avatar

    Awh, apparently my comment about DC calling Stephanie Brown a “bitch” and not understanding fans didn’t post…

    “WHAT. THE. FUCK.”

  10. Nataniel Costard’s avatar

    As a guy who read his first Marvel comic ten years after reading every single DC thing he could find, I can´t even start to understand how did my favorite company fell so low so fast… is this the same company that did Swamp Thing, Watchmen, Animal Man, Doom Patrol, Starman not that long ago? WTF indeed…

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