May 2013 DC Drunk Cover Solicits In Three Sentences Or Less…

Here are the “rules“.

If you’d like to see the full DC May Cover Solicits head on over to CBR.

There’s plenty to ridicule in this bunch, as per usual. But as I said over on the Marvel post – I’m considering doing these drunk solicits a bit differently in the future – if I continue them at all.  So suggestions are welcome and encouraged. And here we go!

ADVENTURES OF SUPERMAN. Nice Samnee illustration…but everyone’s been linking it to the Card fiasco, so I’m starting to hate it just from a Pavlovian fucking response. :(

ALL STAR WESTERN 20. Um…why use “cheap digital blood” for a comic cover. A cheap TV show, sure, I get it, still hate it, but I get it. But a comic book cover…c’mon man. LOOKS TERRIBLE.  Also, wouldn’t it be awesome if that guy in all black/shadow really looked like that? I’m guessing it’s just to hide his identity though…so much cooler if this was the reality.

AME-COMI 3. Grr. So conflicted. I mean the costumes of Ame-Comi make me want to rage like Hulk (except those green shoes which are amazing) but the unbridled fun of this makes me pretty happy, I must confess.

ANIMAL MAN 20. Absolutely excellent Animal Man by Jae Lee. Wonderful details, expressions, and personality.

AQUAMAN 20. Dude is out of his element, right?  HA. I’m too drunk, that seemed like a REALLY GREAT JOKE (when I thought of it)…not so much now. T_T

BATGIRL 20. Why must DC have at least one fucking cover every goddamn month that gives me nightmares. If this cover gets in the way of “Sexy James Marsters Dreams” you are in big fucking trouble, DC.  Fucking horrifying.

BATMAN 20.  Very interesting color choices and texture/line quality.  It’s simple, but I’m kind of into it.

BATMAN: ARKHAM UNHINGED 14. Batman looks REALLY depressed to be fighting three hot chicks. I mean, he looks downright pouty.

BATMAN: LITTLE GOTHAM 2. There is nothing that isn’t AMAZING about this. I mean, it’s so amazing that I can’t even separate what’s my favorite element…! I think it’s sexy/adorable Poison Ivy…no wait, it’s Selina’s badass motorcycle and expression…no, wait, it’s that Joker pogo stick…oh who am I kidding, it’s all the cakes. CAKE!!!

BATMAN: THE DARK KNIGHT ANNUAL 1. The painterly quality of this is nice. A great looking Batman, and I love the texture and pattern created by the leaves/flowers.

BATMAN INC. 11. JesusHChrist. I mean, you’re going to put her in that outfit, but you’re going to pretend, what, that she doesn’t fucking have nipples?  I mean, come the fuck on.  Also, she’s actually got a nice weight to her (as is fairly typical of March) but why do her hands look like fucking skeleton hands. Horrifying.

BATMAN & ROBIN 20. I guess he’s mad.  Actually, I’m being mean, this is a pretty good illustration.

BIRDS OF PREY 20. Ugh. I’m so sick of silhouetted figures to hide a person’s identity. Also, isn’t it just Mr. Freeze…?  Also, that ice looks terrible. Also, since when is BoP just Canary and Batgirl. So sad. How far we’ve fallen from a book I started out ADORING. :(

BATWOMAN 20. Fucking fantastic. What an amazing use of a limited color palette. Great figure work, great graphic elements, great positive and negative space and lights and darks, great landscape/cityscape work…really fantastic.

CATWOMAN ANNUAL 1.  Eh. Float-y heads and ginorm-boobs. YAWN>

CONSTANTINE 3. It’s not a bad illustration, but I mean, you’ve got some giant Bisley sized shoes to fill…and it’s not going to happen with something like this.

CATWOMAN 20. Some nice color choices and composition here. But I am worried about Selina’s right leg and how it’s bending in a direction that a bone should NEVER go.

DEMON KNIGHTS 20. Fucking wonderful positive and negative space and contrasting colors. Those tentacles are fucking fantastic.  Also a good use of using tentacles and staying away from extra rape-y shit.

DIAL H 12. Here’s the thing about Dial H that’s amazing. I can guess, without seeing the solicit that this is something like “Open Window Man”..and it’s probably right…because that’s just how absurd the book is, and how good Brian Bolland is.  Wouldn’t it be great if this was two characters?  “Open Window Man” and like “Bunch of Balloons” or something?  I suppose that’s too much to hope for, right?  I’ll have to check the solicits text and see.

DEATHSTROKE 20. Um. Someone needs to seriously re-think this composition. That is all.

EARTH 2 ANNUAL 1. This is what Bats looks like when he’s looking for somewhere to take a poop while on patrol.  My image of him is completely blown.

FABLES 129. Absolutely gorgeous. Great colors and use of positive/negative space. There’s a wonderful feeling of texture to it…you can FEEL the puffiness in her sleeves. Fantastic.

FAIREST 15. Um…huh?  Seems a bit phoned in, even or a “hidden cover.”

FLASH 20. This must be someone VERY fast.

GREEN ARROW 20. Um, I’m not trying to be a dick*, but neither of these gents look like very good shots.  I mean, I’ve PLAYED Wii Archery. I’m basically an expert!**

*I totally AM trying to be a dick, it’s part of doing these.

**Little known fact, I actually have done REAL archery, not just Wii, and even earned a yeoman pin (or two)…so yeah, I’m practically Hawkeye (either version).

GREEN LANTERN 20. Hey, it’s Green Lantern vs. Mr. Body!

You guys remember him, right?  He apparently got a haircut…or it all fell out. Honestly? It looks better.

GREEN LANTERN CORP 20.  Ugh. 7 dudes on the cover, all covered, LITERALLY head to toe (except one guy apparently made of rocks) two chicks on the cover, both exposing cleavage, one nearly to her belly button.  Also?  FLOATING HEADS!!!! BLARG!!!

GREEN LANTERN NEW GUARDIANS 20. MORE FLOATING HEADS!!! IT DOESN’T MATTER THAT ONE OF THEM IS A COOL LOOKING BOAR/YAK THING.

GREEN TEAM 1. I admit to intrigue.

JUSTICE LEAGUE OF AMERICA 4.

LE SIGH.

If I had a nominee for worst cover of the year (which I should probably be doing) or FUNNIEST/MOST RIDICULOUS this would make the short list.

What in the world would be the excuse, not only for Selina’s costume to be unzipped like that, but for one of her boobs to be a MINIMUM of twice the size of the other? They are also completely different shapes. Did she have a horrible plastic surgery gone wrong incident??? When would Selina have time plastic surgery…or the downtime following it?

Is that thing in the background…I’m guessing some kind of sasquatch trying to do an impression of this?  Cause he’s doing an AWESOME JOB and I love it!  BOOSTLE. Er, Martawk?

VIBE 4. Apparently Batman hates Vibe. Racist.

JUSTICE LEAGUE 20. Is it just me or does that one eye look super dumb. Like what good is the third eye if it’s really dumb???

JUSTICE LEAGUE DARK 20. Great illustration. I love how they’re all piled in there.

KATANA 4. Um…I like all the black space I guess, but the figure work and face leaves a lot to be desired. :(

LEGENDS OF THE DARK KNIGHT 8. I’m generally down for some really extreme cartooning, but this take things a bit far. His leg is just like…WHAT?

MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE 2. I generally couldn’t care less about He-Man, but this is a pretty great illustration. Like the Justice League Dark above it’s got great energy and is filled with so many details, everyone piled in there like that.

MOVEMENT 1. Again, I admit to serious intrigue!

PHANTOM STRANGER 8. I hear you Deadman, Frankenstein, and Xanadu, I to0 cry for the crime committed against Zatanna. A crime of terrible fashion, off-model details, and unnecessarily giant boobs and bare midriffs.  It’s tough to be a woman, man, I hear you. Constantine looks ready to cry.

REDHOOD & THE OUTLAWS ANNUAL 1. It’s utterly absurd that I almost found myself writing about how Starfire’s costume was better. It’s not better. It’s STILL ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS.

RED LANTERNS 20. How is the book still going. HOW?  Who is buying it!??!?! Confess now!!!

REDHOOD & THE OUTLAWS 20. Um, if that’s not fucking creepy as all get out, I don’t know what is.

RAVAGERS 12. I appreciate that there’s some expression going on here, but what is blondie’s expression supposed to be? Surprise that her boob is bigger than her head? Surprise that her boobs are WAY larger than Fairchild’s…who is actually supposed to have really big boobs…?  I mean, I can’t decide whether to rejoice that Fairchild’s seem reasonable or just be confounded about the size of this other chicks.  Also, is that Beast Boy…what is wrong with his head????

SUPERBOY 20. Ooooh. Look, he’s like BATHED in blood. So cool. By which I mean to say, not cool at all. Boring and sad, and unimpressive. :(

SEVEN AGAINST CHAOS. I’m down for this. HUGE. The title, the illustration, I’m all about this! Bring it!

SUPERGIRL 20. Um. It’s a pretty illustration but why does Supergirl look like she’s ready to feel up Supergirl?  So wrong.

Also, too much cape. WAY too much cape. Is too much cape a pre-requisite for DC covers these days?

SMALLVILLE 13. Unfinished, but I really love the perspective choices and repetition here.

SWAMP THING 20. I’m not entirely sure what’s happening here, but I really like this illustration. The detailed Swamp Thing figure and then the really simplified graphic Superman. that plus the color contrasts and positive/negative space make this pretty interesting.

SUICIDE SQUAD 20. Wow. So much of this I love, which is amazing because I don’t think I’ve said that about SS…well, this version of SS, ever. The color contrasts and graphic imagery are great. I just wish they’d left out the photographs. It’s strong enough to stand on its own without those. They are the weakest link…or sumthin.

SWORD & SORCERY 8. Hey, look, fucking drenched in goddamn purple again, what a fucking surprise.

TEAM 7 #8. So many cliches so little time. A headstone on a stormy night. A lightning strike. A hand rising from a grave. A single red rose. OY.

Oh, and don’t forget a really shittily carved headstone. I mean, I’d come back too if my people did such a shitty job on my headstone. Look at that shit spacing!

TEEN TITANS 20. Oh look, it’s more possessed Tim Drake. Horrible. Poor Tim Drake, trapped since the reboot in this horrible book.

UNWRITTEN 49. As always the color and repetitive imagery here are fantastic. These figures are not my favorite though.

WORLD’S FINEST 12. Oh look, another cover where Huntress is useless. What a shock.  Ugh. It is a really beautiful illustration though. I love the power in Power Girl – she looks fantastic. Though I’m no fan of the silly boob window, I always mind it less when it’s drawn like this – i.e. without becoming so wide that her nipples would be falling out.

WAKE 1. This is awesome. Says so much with so little. Great limited colors. Excited for this!!!

WONDER WOMAN 20. Overall I love what Chiang has done here, it’s so graphic and simple, the colors so jarring and perfect…but that one hand is placed a bit badly. One small tweak and it’s brill.

Ugh DC, why do you make it so hard for me to love you.  :(

 

 

 

 

 

 

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5 comments

  1. Hooper Triplett’s avatar

    Whoa! Is that Chadwick on Seven Against Chaos?! How do I not know about this?

    Outside of that and Wake, (and Wonder Woman to a lesser degree) there is *nothing* compelling..

  2. Nataniel Costard’s avatar

    It’s ok if you want to change the way you do them, but PLEAAASE don’t stop doin them! I really look forward to reading this “reviews” every month. Are you bored of them? Marvel kicks ass nowadys, but DC still needs you!

  3. MechanisticMoth’s avatar

    I agree with above. I mean, we already know I’m a vocal supporter of this feature every month. I post it to my friends who are mildly knowledgeable about comics.

    On that note, does Finch know what boobs look like when women are laying down? No? Thought so.

  4. mark’s avatar

    Why no He-Man?

  5. Nataniel Costard’s avatar

    Suggestion: do two lists per company: best five and worst five of every month. Top Five lists are always fan to do, and it would give you the chance to say something nice and something nasty. Well, I know it’s not a great idea, but i hate being the guy that says: don’t do that! but gives no positive options…

Comments are now closed.