I often dream of meeting Dave Eggers, as he is a writing god to me.  However, sometimes when I think about meeting Dave Eggers I become concerned that he would actually find me silly and inconsequential and then I think perhaps I am better off just dreaming of meeting Dave Eggers than actually meeting him.  That way the dream that he and I are twin souls that will have some great laughs can stay alive…if only in my deluded mind. 

I have been itching for (and honestly looking all over New York for…what’s wrong with you New York!) Eggers and McSweeneys (and Manguso and Unferth’s) new book titled 145 Short Stories In A Small Box.  I finally got my greedly little hands on it last night (thanks Adam!) and found it to be even more delightful than expected (and I haven’t even read any stories yet – we’re just talking packaging people).  Anyway, there is a little one page insert by Dave Eggers and it’s the kind of brilliant little fluffy thing that again reminds me that if and when I finally meet Dave Eggers I will simply blush and faint, and then just lay there unconscious while he feels uncomfortable and is forced to walk away from the “scene” I’ve created.  He’s just too brilliant for me to stand that close to…and remain conscious.  And if I lose consciousness then I don’t have to worry about saying anything stupid that will make him think I am silly and inconsequential… instead of being those things I can just be ‘that ridiculous girl who fainted’.  Anyway, I’ve pasted the text from the insert below in the hopes that you too will find it brilliant and you will run out immediately to get your own copy of 145 Stories In A Box (and all the other McSweeney’s you can get your hands on).  According to Eggers…pick up at least ten, although he doesn’t specifiy that you can only buy McSweeney’s books, it certainly doesn’t hurt…and at least then you know you’ll be getting “the right kind of books”. 

Thankfully for me (and less for my credit cards) I pick up WAY more than ten books a year…so maybe that will give me a better shot with Mr. Eggers when our paths eventually cross…

 “THE NEW RULES”  by Dave Eggers

“I don’t know why it came down to me to tell you about this, but anyway, here goes:  if you don’t buy at least ten books a year, you’ll be struck by lightning, or maybe a bus.  It’s the new rule.  Yeah.  You’ll probably be sent a more official notice in the mail pretty soon, but for now, you’re hearing it from me.  Ten books a year, or the bus or lightning, each of them very painful and likely deadly.  Is the rule a bit harsh?  Well, maybe.  Some people might think so, but then again, those people won’t be with us very long, because anyone who complains about the rule will be disemboweled by bears.  Again, not my idea – I’m just the messenger here! – but that’s the way it is.  I don’t know whay you’re worried, though.  Just buy the ten books a year and don’t whine about it, and you won’t be struck by anything or have your insides ripped out by a grizzly.  Doesn’t seem so complicated, really.  Also, make sure you buy the right kind of books, or else someone in a cardigan will push you off a building.  Again, nothing to worry about:  just buy the best kinds of books, not the bad ones, or else you’ll be looking over your shoulder pretty much forever.  And you can’t read that way, anyway, so it all works out.”

I say again BRILLIANT!  And oh so funny.  That Dave Eggers, what a character.  What a laugh he and I are going to have someday…assuming I’m conscious.