i can’t pinpoint the moment this happened, but happened it has. i never used to be a big crier. not in life and certainly not at the movies. i don’t want to say i prided myself on this fact, but i suppose in some small way i did. what i did not realize though, was that really all i was doing was emotionally cutting myself off from things. which is to say that i believe the same things that would have made me sad (and possibly leave me in tears) are the same now as they were before, but before i was better at emotionally shutting down. i was better at burying how i really was feeling and allowing my surface self to appear unaffected, certainly to the casual observer, and as i’ve now realized, to myself as well.
how did this come about you ask? well i’ll tell you. i was home the other day and Out Of Africa with Meryl Streep and Robert Redford was just about to come on HBO. i thought to myself, “oh, i’ve wanted to see that, maybe i’ll watch it”. and watch it i did. at first i was trying to read a book as well (since i am way behind in my 52 books for this year), but i quickly gave that up as i could see the movie was going to be fantastic and deserved my full attention (4 nextflix stars by the way – if you have not yet seen it – you should put it in your queue straight away – it was quite beautiful and moving). anyway, without giving away the ending it was devastating. and i was trying to keep myself together and not cry, but finally i just gave in and wept openly. and you know what? it felt great. instead of trying to keep the emotions at bay i embraced them and it not only felt better, but i felt like my mind was expanding.
i know that sounds kind of ridiculous and ‘new-agey’, but if you think about it, it makes quite a bit of sense. in general, in life, when we try to hold things back of course we are not learning and growing because we are so busy controlling ourselves that we have no extra energy to learn anything. yesterday i felt not only relieved, but unburdened by my outburst, not to mention, the movie deserved it. it was heartbreaking and it earned the tears i gave over to it. i found myself afterward thinking about life and death and relationships and experience and even my recently strained relationship with my family (though this is not remotely what the film is about). i don’t think i would have thought any of these things had i resisted my tears, it was only through letting go that i managed to have these thoughts. i wouldn’t say i necessarily had any revelations, but maybe next time.
i wouldn’t generally be writing a post about this because i’d either be keeping it to myself (out of shame) or because i’d be writing these tears off as a one time occurance, except in the last three months here are just a few of the things i have openly wept about, sometimes even in public, a thought i would have been horrified by five months ago:
the movie Away From Her
a short story from The New Yorker titled The Mahogany Elephant by Maxim Biller
an email i recived on Tuesday from my mother
the response i wrote to her 20 minutes after receiving her email
my new sister-in-law’s wedding vows (a very specific line did me in)
the last episode of Studio 60
this is a lot for me. this is a lot for me in five years, let alone the last three plus months. so what has changed? a lot actually. i went through something recently, the kind of thing you don’t think you can get through until you have to. and i guess i see the old me as very naive. as young. as innocent and stupid. and this new me, while i don’t like that she’s such a crybaby, i have to say that at least she has been through some shit, and maybe she’s even made it through to the other side and hopefully learned something new. time will tell. but for now i’ll be crying at things that deserve it i guess.
someone give me a reality check though if you notice me crying at things that are definitely NOT worthy…like programs on lifetime, WE, and oxygen, or reality television, or bad chick lit or something.
