That is what I have learned from Resident Evil 3.
And I learned it by looking at the three main female characters and finding that the only thing they really had in common to insure their survival was their superhotness.
I’m so annoyed. And thus feminist rant, here we come…
Below is what I am calling the “Hot Trifecta” of Ali Larter (who I’m not a big fan of); Milla Jovovich (who I am a fan of, usually in spite of myself); and Ashanti (who I barely know but have to concede is pretty hot at least).
WTF?!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?
Okay, it’s confession time. I love me superheroes, I love me apocalypse tales, I love me some badass superhero-like future chicks that kick ass and take names, and it’s great if they can wear badass futuristic clothes while doing it (Milla’s outfit here is both *purr* delicious and also not nearly as ridiculous as it could have been) all the better. But COME ON! By making them all so out of control hot you kind of just kill any attempt I could make at getting into this story (if there was one) instead I get all distracted by the fact that these are the only women that have survived. The incredibly small percentage of women that have survived an apocalyptic like event…are all supermodels?! I’ll even give you that maybe they’d all be in pretty great shape, because survival can be tough (although they all look like they’re eating pretty well from the fleshed out tan limbs) and so perhaps they’d have smoking hot bodies…but these are the faces of the average women that survive?! Hollywood, have you looked around? Even in Los Angeles you would be hard pressed to find three women this attractive within a several mile radius, let alone have them be three of the very few survivors. Oh, and the one kid in the movie that we focus on (Kmart – yes I said Kmart – it was one of the movie’s few and horribly executed attempts at character development) is young, but totally on the verge of being these ladies fourth hot friend…give her a couple years and she’d give any one of them a run for their money.
Now let’s talk about the men. Surely you have to also be a superhot man to survive the apocaplyspe right? No, not so. Here’s the “non-hot trifecta” of men in this film:
And let’s be clear – there’s nothing wrong with these guys. Hursley (far right) is a bit on the goofy side, and Ashby (far left) is a bit on the old side, but they’re decent looking guys, and really, on the whole they’re actors, so they’re still more attractive than your average person, but they’re normal looking. What a shock. The men get to be just normal looking average joes, but the women better be supermodels or people just won’t watch this movie appears to be the thinking and it just pisses me off. Why don’t you just spend a little time on things like story, or character development, or anything other than physical beauty and special effects…maybe if you did that people could find some great redeeming stuff even if your main characters aren’t supermodels. So focused is this movie on the hotness of its women that I had trouble even finding photos of the men, and some of the men not pictured were impossible to find. Notably missing is MIke Epps who I could not find a still of anywhere for the film, as well as the slew of normal looking MALE doctors and scientists in the film that cannot be found anywhere, including Iain Glen, the baddie in the film.
Oh, I almost forgot. There is one ugly woman in the film. Fat too, of course. And she’s a bad guy. Second from the right. She’s even got disgusting teeth, instead of the perfect white smile of heroes.
So to recap, here is what we have learned. Your superhotness will not only help you survive the apocalypse, but it will also make you a good guy. If you are ugly and maybe fat your only chance to survive is to become as disgusting on the inside as you (obviously) are on the outside (ARGH!) by becoming a villain. The kind of cartoon level villain that tries to kill beautiful superhero types and their good intentions with infected dogs and shit.
Has Hollywood learned nothing from shows like The Office and even 30 Rock, which are monster hits, and have many normal average looking people starring in them? You write something good, you get good actors to star in it and you know what, people just don’t care that they’re not necessarily looking at supermodels. In fact, while my rampant hatred of this trend may be the minority, I don’t think I’m in the minority of people by being bored with staring and unrealistically hot people all day. How can I relate to that? Ugh. Okay, rant officially ended. Here’s the “official rundown”.
The Good: Milla’s costume. It was badass.
The Bad: Everything else.
The Ugly: Anything that I missed above.
Rating: 1 Star. It was going to be 2 stars, but the more I wrote the more pissed off I got, and by the end of the post, it’s one star. Blech.
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i hate ali larter. that twat is from my hometown (and went to my high school) and i can not stand her.
my friends sister was in a bunch of her classes and they share some friends. and apparently, a bigger be-otch was never seen.and you will TOTALLY survive the apocalypse.
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Quit yer whinging! Those dudes are totally hot.
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shiv: yeah, she’s decidedly not good. there are moments when i want to like here, and then they just disappear.
and THANKS!
jamminjabber: Whinging? Do I know how to whing?
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Kelly I’m disappointed in you for watching this garbage. Mostly I’m disappointed because I KNOW there was a moment when you were considering the transaction when you thought, “This is gonna be really bad.” Then you did it anyway.
The next time you feel the need to “love you some superheroes” just put in the old x-men animated series that you have on tape and stay away from this attempt at film.
By paying to see it you know you are contributing to the problem…and I know that makes you hate that you saw it even more.
By the way, I watched 21 this weekend. Also not great.
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Scott: I knew that it was not going to be “great”, but I did secretly hope it would be “good”, or “good-ish”. I actually really like the first Resident Evil. I mean, it’s based on a videogame, so it’s never winning any awards, but for an action/horror movie I found it to be scary and suspenseful and kind of cool. I liked a lot of the ideas in it (about secret government research with chemical weapons, and the resulting apocalyptic like containment…it’s good material) and I buy Milla as an action hero. It’s also got my girlcrush Michelle Rodriguez in it (dressed appropriately as a cop – rather than supermodels. So, while I opted not to see #2 because it looked terrible, I saw some things in the previews for this one that kind of made me want to see it.
As a sidenote, though Adam and I tend to have somewhat “advanced” or “pretentious” (you pick the word you prefer – I like advanced so I’m gonna run with that) tastes we, like anyone else, are falliable even in movie tastes and we occasionally need a break from the high minded stuff. This was a break. We knew it couldn’t stand up to most stuff we watch, but we both hoped (or at least I did) that it would be decent for fluff. We were sadly wrong.
I guess the only problem I think I am really contributing to in this case, because I don’t have anything against a well made/interesting action/horror like I feel Resident Evil 1 was, is what I blogged about, the whole inequalities for women in film. We have to be beautiful. At all costs. Especially in genres like this. I’m so sick of it.
Too bad about 21. I wasn’t going to see it, if only because it just looked like a bunch of fast cutting trying to make cards more “film palatable” and also because I really dislike Kate Bosworth. Lois Lane my ass.
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Also – I don’t have a VCR hooked up anymore and I think my X-Men tapes are in SLC…
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They aren’t in SLC unless they are well-hidden somewhere. I’ve looked. I hope they aren’t lost as they represent a key turning point in our childhood.
Also, I should have responded to your email. We haven’t been getting TWD. I think since the new year. I think the first couple of months we just figured he was late with the issues….then march rolled around and I was too busy to even read my email…long story short (too late). We haven’t been getting it…so I have no idea about the way we lost Tyrese. If you can tell me the name or number of the company, I can give them a call.
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Scott: I’m so sorry about TWD. You are totally missing out on huge events (horrible ones). I emailed the guy yesterday after I read this comment. I’ll follow up if I don’t hear from him shortly, and depending on what he says, if he doens’t have the old issues and just has to extend the subscription, I’ll try to dig out my issues and send them to you…
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Thanks sis!
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Haven’t seen that movie, or any of the RE movies. About your comments, it sounds kind of like the old days when aliens attacked a ship and killed Tom Skerritt, Veronica Cartwright, Harry Dean Stanton, John Hurt, and Ian Holm (sort of), but (the then-hot) Sigourney Weaver survives. This “hot female supermodels/ordinary looking males survive the apocalypse” trend could also apply to a lot of sci-fi flicks that don’t involve the end of the world. Alien is one, and maybe even Independence Day where Jeff Goldblum figures out how to beat the aliens. It could be a cousin to the “cute kids always getting into danger but not getting killed” pattern of most Spielberg movies (even War of the Worlds, where at least one of the kids absolutely should have died).
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thing to remember is, at the end of the film only the women survive.
So why you can get upset at the dudes not being hot yet the women are, the film states that ONLY women can survive. If you are a man you will be gotten by the baddies, the best you can hope for is to die cooly and like a hero. The women of course will not suffer or come close to being killedtk
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