· craptastic

Sometimes I Hate It When I Learn Things

January 9, 2010 in craptastic, writers, writing | 4 comments

So, nonplussed is a word I love. As in, “Kelly was totally nonplussed by the whole situation.” And in this sentence I would have intended it to mean “unfazed”.

I was using nonplussed in a piece I was writing, but wanted to look it up…I’m not sure why, because it’s a word that’s meaning I was confident I knew, but for whatever reason I did look it up. And now, because of my stupid need to look stuff up I learned that the TRUE meaning on nonplussed is this:

“1. surprised,stunned, dumbfounded, confounded, taken aback, disconcerted, thrown, thrown off balance; puzzled, perplexed, mystified, baffled, bemused, bewildered; informal fazed, flummoxed, stumped, bamboozled, discombobulated.”

Which is the exact OPPOSITE of the other meaning (the one I’ve been using all these years):

“2. unperturbed, unruffled, unfazed, composed.”

So, truly confused now, I read this:

USAGE NOTE
In standard use, nonplussed means ‘surprised and confused’: In American English, a new use has developed in recent years, meaning ‘unperturbed’—more or less the opposite of its traditional meaning: : hoping to disguise his confusion, he tried to appear nonplussed. This new use probably arose on the assumption that non- was the normal negative prefix and must therefore have a negative meaning. Although the use is common, it is not yet considered standard.

So basically this means that I have not only been using this word technically wrong for my entire adult life thus far, but also that a word I love, I cannot continue to use, unless I just want to be considered an ignorant American that doesn’t understand how prefixes work and doesn’t care about the rest of the world and the realities of what words really mean.

Can I just say? SONOFABITCH!

Oh, and “Kelly finds herself completely nonplussed by this new god damn discovery.”

Things That Use Electricity

September 21, 2009 in craptastic, food, rants | Permalink

And me are not getting along.

Last week my electric tea kettle, which I use a couple times a week, if not daily, broke. It is only six months old. My previous kettle which I had for four years broke last spring. This very pretty Krups one I replaced it with apparently sucks. I am also too stupid and lazy to fill out my warranty for a $60 item. So I’m out of luck.

Today, my “fit and fresh” single serving blender thing-a-ma-bob informed me it too was broken. WHAT. THE. HELL. This thing is less than three months old and I’ve probably used it only 20 times. And now I’ve got a bunch of strawberries, milk, and protein powder mixed together that can’t be blended. Sonofabitch.

This sucks. grumble. grumble. grumble.

The Real Housewives of New York City Ultimate Crib Sheet

May 16, 2009 in craptastic, relationships, television | 8 comments

I don’t usually watch The Real Housewives, which is to say I don’t set my TIVO to record it, but I somehow always manage to see it. I guess it’s on in repeats enough damn times (Law & Order style) that I always manage to catch it. The Real Housewives is the definition of reality television to me – just riveting and dramatic and horror inducing enough that I can’t help but look, but tacky and terrible and a horrible enough statement about our world that I generally don’t want to admit I watch it.

Last night’s part two of The Real Housewives of New York City was actually crazy enough to illicit a post…and not just a post but a little photo-shoppy fun to create the ultimate crib sheet. First, meet the players in case you’re not already intimately familiar with them…

And, here is the ultimate REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NYC RELATIONSHIP CRIB SHEET…and you all better read this, it took like half a day to build in photoshop!

On The Precipice of WTF…

January 30, 2009 in cartoons, comic of the day, comics, craptastic, potential greatness | 2 comments

lately1

lately 2

Yeah, I am definitely feeling on the precipice of a great and powerful I don’t know what…is it on the precipice of greatness, or ultimate failure, or destiny, or just the precipice of unemployment…I guess only time will tell…let’s all pull for “greatness” shall we?

Me? Laid Off? Oy.

January 29, 2009 in cartoons, comic of the day, comics, craptastic | 5 comments

laid off 1

laid off 2

laid off 3

That’s right folks, I’ve joined the masses on the bread line.

Well, not quite yet. I’ve got a few more weeks to close out my projects and train the part timer that will be ‘stopping the gap’ and also as I attempt to educate everyone on everything I have been doing for the last four years…basically downloading four years of awesome knowledge into a binder and few weeks of conversations and training.

I am getting a fair (ish) severence package, which is why I’m not quite clawing at the ceiling and ranting about the ridiculousness of a company that lets good people go. I just fundamentally disagree with them in theory I guess, without judgement, I feel you just don’t let dedicated good people go, even if someone shuffling paper somewhere thinks you make too much money (here’s a hint – figure out a person’s pay based on actual hours worked and you’ll often find they’re quite a deal compared to the average clock puncher…or here’s another one – in my case – divide my salary by three – since that is how many people’s jobs I’ve been doing for the last nine months) – well I guess I did have to rant a little bit. Sorry.

It is comforting to know that the people who actually work with me and that I work for are devastated (okay, maybe just sad, details shmetails) to see me go, and don’t think it’s the best move for the long term, even if it helps alleviate current financial burden. That helps. But I’ve never been laid off from a job. I’ve never left a job when it wasn’t 100% my decision and this is hard. It’s especially hard in these economic times, when I know many many talented and amazing people that are out of work and not by choice. It also makes it hard to have faith in the whole ‘universe closes a door, but opens a window’ philosophy that I’m so fond of – basically I see no windows opening.

I’ve got some time though. And I’ve decided to take some of that time and rather than just seeking out another executive assistant or office management position that will make me want to slit my wrists, to actually give what I’m good at a try. So I’ve got a small window of time to push as hard as I can on that stuff, and we’ll see what happens…maybe the world is ready to give me a break, since I’m ready to actually try. We’ll see. The good news for you devoted readers is that the blog is likely to get pretty active again…lots of stuff coming soon.

And if any of you hear about any positions in which people want to pay obscene amounts of money for someone with a little bit of talent…feel free to let me know.

Update: We can update my cartoon to show one less tic mark in the “laid off” category as my brother has just gotten hired at a great firm. Maybe it’s the beginning of the end of this mess already? We can only hope. Congratulations Scott…I hope we’re all right behind you.

Cold Case…Oh How I Hate You

December 3, 2008 in craptastic, entertainment, television, television reviews | 2 comments

So I’m watching an episode of Cold Case yesterday (okay, fine, three episodes) and I realize I really hate this show, yet cannot tear myself away. Damn you Cold Case, and damn you TNT for running them back to back so cleverly that I only have approximately six seconds to turn off the television before being drawn into a new crime.

Cold Case has all the train wreak-y elements that Law & Order has that makes it impossible to turn off: A violent crime in the first few minutes? Check. An interesting and immediate twist of events? Check. A red herring? Check. An attractive and “intelligent” cast set to solve the crime? Check. But there are some things that Law & Order has, or rather doesn’t have that allow me to hate myself slightly less in the morning after being drawn into an episode (or twelve).

Cold Case has these elements in spades, and I end up hating myself for watching it not only in the morning, but also WHILE I’m watching, which is just not good for anyone. What are these things you may ask? Don’t worry, I’ve laid them out for you below:

1. Cheesy Music. The music is off the charts cheesy and obvious. I know it’s often put there to mark a point in time – old hippie 60’s music? Our cold case must take place in the 60’s! But it’s WAY overused, and also so obvious as to cause multiple eye rolls per scene. Here’s a hint – unless you’re playing it for comedy, you don’t have a music cue for say, “Brickhouse” when a hot chick enters a room. Subtlety is not a word these people are familiar with.

2. Heartstrings & Happy Endings. Law & Order sometimes has happy endings and/or eye-rollingly obvious attempts at cheese, but it’s not the standard. You cannot find an episode of Cold Case without these things. What should be a straight intelligent procedural instead becomes a “heartfelt drama” about reuniting people or whatever. It’s annoying. Be a procedural, or be a lifetime movie of the week. Pick one.

3. Personal Details about the Recurring Cast. Law & Order (the flagship version) is really good about keeping the personal stuff for the detectives and lawyers basically non-existent, and it’s the reason it’s the best of all the L&O versions. SVU is REALLY bad at it, and Criminal Intent is also bad at it, but it seems more forgivable if only because D’Onofrio is such a talent. Regardless it’s a mistake. SVU becomes all about Olivia’s personal feelings about rape or about Elliot’s feelings about child abuse. Guess what – they don’t like them. Whoo! Surprise! Are you surprised that detectives that have kids and a mother that was raped have really really personal feelings about these issues? No, no you probably weren’t, because it is super obvious and talks down to the viewer. Also, in the billions of episodes I’ve seen of SVU (yes, it feels like billions) I’ve never seen them effectively delve into the detectives’ actual feelings about these issues beyond the basic “this makes me really really mad!” concept.

Cold Case skates the line on this issue of adding personal details in the most annoying of ways. They don’t come out and say anything obvious about these characters lives, but in the one of the episodes I watched yesterday (hopefully my last ever) they dropped at least six (SIX!) hints about blondie’s past experience dealing with addicts and her subsequent abandonment issues. Hello! We get it – her mother or father or whoever was an addict – she doesn’t trust addicts. She has DRAMA about addicts. Move the freak on and solve the god damn case.

So here’s what Cold Case does have going for them: BOBBY CANNAVALE. I would watch paint dry if there was even a hint of a suggestion of Bobby Cannavale making a brief apperance. Especially if he’s going to be all rakishly handsome (as usual) and all funny and full of life but with a slightly shady past…which he is on Cold Case.

So there, now you really know why I watched three freaking old episodes of Cold Case on TNT last night. Never again though, never again. Let’s conveniently ignore the fact that Cannavale’s on a new show CUPID soon on ABC – which allows me to be a little more confident in my “never again” declarations in that I can get my Cannavale fix elsewhere.

SIDENOTE: I’m officially adding Bobby Cannavale to my “list” (top 5)…which I’ll be laminating shortly. Clive Owen, Bobby Cannavale, and man, I can just never decide between Brad Pitt and George Clooney…

Phase II Rejection Update

November 21, 2008 in craptastic, rejection, short fiction, short fiction rejections, short fiction submissions, writing | Permalink

Double Damnit.

I thought I had this one, I really did. In part because through some quirk of the submission process (it’s online for this particular mag) my submission got switched with another person with my same exact name…but living in Arkansas.

I was able to resend my piece and have the problem corrected, but initially, not understanding what had happened I clicked ont the piece by my name (that wasn’t mine) and accidentally downloaded this other woman’s story. I read some of it (is that bad?) before deleting it respectfully, as I hope she would do with mine, but from what I read I do honestly believe my story to be the superior story. Now I know it’s not like “one of us was getting in and one of us wasn’t” so we could both easily be rejected, but it did buoy my spirits a bit to see another submitter’s piece and to honestly believe mine was the far better of the two (I’m usually pretty hard on myself so I feel pretty confident I’m being at least realistic, if not unbiased). Anyway, so I thought I had a shot…and have now been shot down, again.

The good news (I’m determined to find some good news) is that this piece would be good for another contest I heard about through my writing group, which closes very soon. And having just re-read this piece (while comparing it to the other me from Arkansas’ piece) I’m confident it is solid as is and does not need any editing or clean up. So off it goes, back out into the world to seek my fortune…!

Updated Phase II Stats: 0 for 5 in Phase II with one submission still out there being considered and about six still prepping for submission.

Updated Overall Stats: 1 for 12, overall since I started submitting (with one still out there being considered). I started submitting in winter/spring of 2007. I hope to get another half dozen out there before the end of the year, but man is it a slow process. 1 for 12 is not a bad average overall I guess, but I need to be submitting more and faster and writing faster…it’s all gotta happen faster!

AND a Novel Update: While I don’t talk about my novel much on this site, I just wanted to let you devoted Semi-Finalist readers know that I haven’t forsaken you…I’m on really tight deadlines for my new book draft, and hopefully when I get there I’ll be able to devote a little more time to the blog. My first deadline, to my writer’s group, is actually due today…so prepare youself for a deluge of posts (not really).

Damnit!

November 21, 2008 in buffy, comics, craptastic, hollywood, pushing daisies, television | 2 comments

Pushing Daisies has been canceled.

Well, no new episodes have been ordered, which is basically pussy network code for canceled. This is one of those times when you remember that Hollywood totally blows…oh wait, that’s all the time. Damnit! A great show.

I always feared it was too quirky and quite frankly too GOOD to survive on television (it should have been on HBO perhaps) but the fact that it was renewed last year gave me hope. Silly me to try and hope, why do I never learn? I think in this case the writers strike really did hurt Pushing Daises – it had such a tenuous grasp on a small quirky intelligent audience…and people forget quickly these days. I have to admit that I was not as enamored of PD this year as I was last, but I still watched, and it still remained one of the smartest shows on TV…also, ironically, one of the most upbeat…and who doesn’t need upbeat these days?! C’mon!

There’s talk of the show finishing as a comic book, but I think we all know how fulfilled that will leave the majority…hardly the same number of people read comics that watch TV…and that’s just part of the problem. The Buffy “season eight” comic book series works well – largely because Joss Whedon knows his comic books and is heavily involved…also, while the Buffy universe is an always continuing growing and changing universe, we were not left on a cliffhanger with the actual series end on TV, the way Pushing Daisies supposedly will. So having a “season eight” in comic books was not absolutely necessary, but rather a decadant way for fans to let the show live on long beyond when any actors etc. would want to stay involved. Angel also has an ongoing comic based off the show, and it is less successful in my opinion. There is the cliffhanger aspect the show was left on, which is pretty difficult to live up to in comics, and also just the handling of the book has been complicated and difficult to follow, as the show was in certain seasons as well. I also think, all due respect, that there’s not quite as much talent in the room on the Angel books as with the Buffy book. That said, I’m still reading the shit, so it can’t be that bad.

Would I read a Pushing Daises comic? Maybe. Probably, but only if I was already at the comic shop. If I was the average fan there’s no way I’m heading into comic stores (unknown territory for many people) to find out about an ending to a show that is pretty much guaranteed to be a let down. Then again, maybe this “we’ll finish it in a comic book” revolutionizes the industry and brings thousands (hundreds of thousands!?) of new fans to the comic book industry…a girl can hope. Wait…wasn’t I just saying something about hope a little while ago…? Hmmm…I forget. Oh well.

#204 ~ Rabid Lamb Comics

September 24, 2008 in cartoons, comic of the day, comics, craptastic | 3 comments

Yeah, one of the “getting hit on” elements we haven’t talked about on here is that it usually happens to me when I look terrible, which is just weird. Didn’t take a shower today? Expect to get hit on. Left work early because you’ve got a fever and a head cold? Expect to get pulled over in the parking lot by some guy who “would love to take you out”. Wearing old sweats and no makeup? Expect an “UNN!”. It’s totally bizarre.

Maybe I’m the bizarro world definition of “cleans up nice”…i.e. “un-cleans up nice”. Bizarre.

#203 ~ Rabid Lamb Comics

September 23, 2008 in cartoons, comic of the day, comics, craptastic, entertainment, relationships | 3 comments

Yeah. I really don’t know what to say. I don’t know what freakish universe she’s living in, but in this one, you pretty much don’t do favors for people you hate, people who have treated people you love like crap, uneccessarily. Rigodamndiculous.

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