In honor of the premiere of The Walking Dead on AMC last night, I did a post about 10 interesting women of The Walking Dead.
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Tags: comics!, she has no head!
That is what I have learned from Resident Evil 3.
And I learned it by looking at the three main female characters and finding that the only thing they really had in common to insure their survival was their superhotness.
I’m so annoyed. And thus feminist rant, here we come…
Below is what I am calling the “Hot Trifecta” of Ali Larter (who I’m not a big fan of); Milla Jovovich (who I am a fan of, usually in spite of myself); and Ashanti (who I barely know but have to concede is pretty hot at least).
WTF?!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?
Okay, it’s confession time. I love me superheroes, I love me apocalypse tales, I love me some badass superhero-like future chicks that kick ass and take names, and it’s great if they can wear badass futuristic clothes while doing it (Milla’s outfit here is both *purr* delicious and also not nearly as ridiculous as it could have been) all the better. But COME ON! By making them all so out of control hot you kind of just kill any attempt I could make at getting into this story (if there was one) instead I get all distracted by the fact that these are the only women that have survived. The incredibly small percentage of women that have survived an apocalyptic like event…are all supermodels?! I’ll even give you that maybe they’d all be in pretty great shape, because survival can be tough (although they all look like they’re eating pretty well from the fleshed out tan limbs) and so perhaps they’d have smoking hot bodies…but these are the faces of the average women that survive?! Hollywood, have you looked around? Even in Los Angeles you would be hard pressed to find three women this attractive within a several mile radius, let alone have them be three of the very few survivors. Oh, and the one kid in the movie that we focus on (Kmart – yes I said Kmart – it was one of the movie’s few and horribly executed attempts at character development) is young, but totally on the verge of being these ladies fourth hot friend…give her a couple years and she’d give any one of them a run for their money.
Now let’s talk about the men. Surely you have to also be a superhot man to survive the apocaplyspe right? No, not so. Here’s the “non-hot trifecta” of men in this film:
And let’s be clear – there’s nothing wrong with these guys. Hursley (far right) is a bit on the goofy side, and Ashby (far left) is a bit on the old side, but they’re decent looking guys, and really, on the whole they’re actors, so they’re still more attractive than your average person, but they’re normal looking. What a shock. The men get to be just normal looking average joes, but the women better be supermodels or people just won’t watch this movie appears to be the thinking and it just pisses me off. Why don’t you just spend a little time on things like story, or character development, or anything other than physical beauty and special effects…maybe if you did that people could find some great redeeming stuff even if your main characters aren’t supermodels. So focused is this movie on the hotness of its women that I had trouble even finding photos of the men, and some of the men not pictured were impossible to find. Notably missing is MIke Epps who I could not find a still of anywhere for the film, as well as the slew of normal looking MALE doctors and scientists in the film that cannot be found anywhere, including Iain Glen, the baddie in the film.
Oh, I almost forgot. There is one ugly woman in the film. Fat too, of course. And she’s a bad guy. Second from the right. She’s even got disgusting teeth, instead of the perfect white smile of heroes.
So to recap, here is what we have learned. Your superhotness will not only help you survive the apocalypse, but it will also make you a good guy. If you are ugly and maybe fat your only chance to survive is to become as disgusting on the inside as you (obviously) are on the outside (ARGH!) by becoming a villain. The kind of cartoon level villain that tries to kill beautiful superhero types and their good intentions with infected dogs and shit.
Has Hollywood learned nothing from shows like The Office and even 30 Rock, which are monster hits, and have many normal average looking people starring in them? You write something good, you get good actors to star in it and you know what, people just don’t care that they’re not necessarily looking at supermodels. In fact, while my rampant hatred of this trend may be the minority, I don’t think I’m in the minority of people by being bored with staring and unrealistically hot people all day. How can I relate to that? Ugh. Okay, rant officially ended. Here’s the “official rundown”.
The Good: Milla’s costume. It was badass.
The Bad: Everything else.
The Ugly: Anything that I missed above.
Rating: 1 Star. It was going to be 2 stars, but the more I wrote the more pissed off I got, and by the end of the post, it’s one star. Blech.
Happy Halloween everyone! I hope you are all wearing at least a semblance of a costume today, although I’m sure many of you disappointed me…don’t turn yourself in…I can see you from the guilt radiating off your non-costumed body.
Here’s a funny, but horrifying little article about how zombies will someday be a real life problem, and not just a movie problem. It’s no secret that zombies scare the crap out of me…suddenly I feel like becoming a republican and getting a big sawed off shot gun…well okay, not becoming a republican, that’s too scary…even for Halloween.
this is the hardest book review i’ve had to write yet.
#25. The Apocalypse Reader. Edited by Justin Taylor. Short Fiction Collection.
i desperately wanted to like this book, both because it is a collection of great writers both seasoned and relatively new, giving their original takes on the apocalypse, which is interesting in and of itself, and just because i adore good short fiction. there are 34 stories in total by 35 different authors, all dealing in their own ways with “the apocalypse” and if i have complained before about an uneven collection, then boy was i complaining before i even knew what to complain about it. this is the most uneven collection i have ever read, some of it just awesome and mind blowing and hilarious and some of it so dull and underwhelming that a few times i gave up and didn’t complete a story (unheard of for me – i always trudge through!). however, i want more collections, i want to support both the short story form and the vision of what this collection is about. so i’m torn about this review.
i suppose the real truth of it is: 2 stars for the half of it i didn’t like and 4 stars for the half of it i did like? hmm…split the difference and give it 3 stars? jeez. i hate this. 3 seems too high. maybe i have to admit that my expectations were too high? is that part of the problem here?
pieces by the following artists were awesome: Jared Hohl, Matthew Derby, Shelley Jackson, Adam Nemett, Brian Evenson, Robert Bradley, Josip Novakovich, Allison Whittenberg, Justin Taylor, Kelly Link, Neil Gaiman, Tao Lin, Elliot David, Colette Phair, Michael Moorcock, Jeff Goldberg, Jocye Carole Oates. I desperately want to add Dennis Cooper to this list with The Ash Gray Proclamation, and he had me for the first 15 pages, but i couldn’t hold on for the last 10 or so, it just got too ridiculous, which was perhaps the point, but somewhere my enjoyment was lost.
the piece by Jeff Goldberg, These Zombies Are Not A Metaphor, was my favorite as it was hilarious and inventive and just utterly enjoyable. second runners up include An Accounting by Brian Evenson, The Last Man by Adam Nemett, and Fraise, Menthe. Et Poivre 1978 by Jared Hohl.
the ones i didn’t mention were either passable or borderline unreadable and i’m sad to say that this included several VERY famous writers and even some that whether famous or not, i’ve been a fan of, for quite some time. very disappointing.
the problem i suppose with any review, be it movie, book, or album, is that so much of it is based on personal tastes. i’ve always tried to make it known that my reviews are very personal, which means that it is just one girl’s silly opinion and it may not work for everyone. but at the same time, with this book, i couldn’t in good conscience recommend it to anyone, which is the mark of a genuinely good book, right? jeez. a simple book review shouldn’t be so difficult…
Okay, 3.0 stars – with the stipulation that there are many 4 star pieces in there, but that for me, there are also a lot of 1 and 2 star pieces, so read at your own risk. if anyone has read this book, i would welcome comments about which stories worked for them, particularly if you have an argument as to why a story i didn’t list was a favorite of yours.
