In the depths of my sadness for the departed GAME OF THRONES and the interminable year I must wait for its return, I wanted to do something fun. I did a little something fun the other day, but that wasn’t enough. Then when doing my latest “DRUNK COVER SOLICITS” I was struck with genius (as the drunk frequently think they are) – why not talk about Game of Thrones while drunk?
GENIUS.
So here we are.
BEFORE WE EVEN GET STARTED…! This is full of spoilers for the TV show only. If you are not caught up through the end of Season 3, do not enter! Save yourself! If you have read the books, GREAT FOR YOU, but please don’t spoil anything for those of us that have not done so yet. Questions asked are HYPOTHETICAL/FOR COMEDIC VALUE ONLY, do not, I repeat DO NOT attempt to answer them in the comments! Whew. Okay. Also, if you’re not familiar already with “Drunk Cover Solicits” you should know that the whole “Three Sentences Thing” is a random guideline that I constantly break.
Because all these people (I totally think they’re real, can you tell?) are connected in such awesomely complex ways, I was forced to categorize them in the style of Los Angeles Real Estate. In other words they are grouped by their houses, and then “house adjacent.” Like when you live in the depths of North Hollywood and you try to call it “Studio City Adjacent”…listen, we all know where you live. Nice try.
And I know this, because I lived in North Hollywood. So, yeah, been there!
Here we go!
HOUSE LANNISTER & HOUSE LANNISTER ADJACENT:
TYWINN LANNISTER
How can he not scare you? Tyrion and Cersi are like the ultimate badasses of Westeros and yet they look like they’re pissing down their damn legs when he’s in the room. Yet, in the brilliance that is GoT, it’s impossible not to respect and even admire him in some ways (see: all his interactions with Arya in Season 2).
DAMN YOU THRONES!
sidenote: shit, we’re already at some all caps levels…this does not bode well…
JAMIE LANNISTER aka THE KING SLAYER
Oh how far we have come from me thinking that attempting to murder a child by pushing him out of a tower made someone a monster. You are a KITTEN in comparison to some of these other bastards. Also, I kinda love you (and thus hate myself).
CERSI LANNISTER
I want to hate you so badly, but you’re so deliciously complex. Evil and yet I keep hoping against hope that you and Tyrion will band together…or at least hug.
CAN YOU PLEASE JUST HUG EACH OTHER?!?
TYRION LANNISTER aka MY FAVORITE!
I love you. Is there a better character alive than you? You (like Dany) are almost TOO perfect. But please do not take that as an endorsement to begin fucking up.
ps. I love you. Oh wait, I already said that.
pps. I’m not following you, promise! That weird girl behind the fancy drapes was not me, swearsies.
ppps. But if it WAS me, what did you think? Was I cute? Were you flattered?
SHAE
You in danger, girl. GTFO!
BRONN
Not much for you to do this season, but I like your ‘Truth To Power’ style. Keep it up, yo.
PODRICK “WHORES PAY TO FUCK HIM” PAYNE
WHAT IS YOUR SECRET? TELLLL MEEEEEE!
KING JOFFREY BARATHEON (BUT REALLY LANNISTER) aka KING DOUCHEBAG aka KING SOCIOPATH aka FICTION CHARACTER I MOST WANT TO MURDER aka EVERYONE WANTS TO KICK YOU IN THE GODDAMN FACE, KID
What is wrong with you??? I mean, seriously. Like your mom and dad are twins, okay, fine, that gets you a certain amount of leeway. But nobody gets THIS MUCH LEEWAY.
You want to present Sansa’s brother’s head to her? Really? In what universe EVEN THE THRONES UNIVERSE! is that appropriate. Here’s the answer…NONE.
Sidenote: this poor actor is never getting another job in Hollywood that’s not a villain…save your sheckles, kid.
SANDORE CLEGANE aka “THE HOUND”
Give him a break already, Arya. Seriously. Dude is not perfect (this is GAME OF THRONES!) but he has seriously done no wrong to you, except that which he was ordered to (which, arguably was horrible and scarring, but again, THRONES).
ROS
Poor fucking Ros. I actually got attached. What a rookie. I thought we were building to you getting to do something beyond being tortured and killed by KING ASSFACE. I promise, no matter how he MIGHT trick me with good deeds in the future (and this is THRONES so he totally will, it’s part of what makes it so GOOD) I will never forgive Little DICK for sealing your horrible fate.
VARYS
You seem like a survivor. But I have learned my lesson with Ros. I will not get attached. I WILL not get attached.
PETYR BAELISH aka LITTLE FINGER
You unbelievable dick. I never trusted you, I never liked you (even though my friend kind of does! what?!) but I was willing to see where you went, what you did. You were interesting. NOW YOU ARE ON THE SHIT LIST WITH THE OTHER UNFORGIVABLES. Good job, sir, good job!