I love this one…if only because it is just so damn true.

So here’s the business class/first class update (there was no first class on this flight, so business in effect was first class) and basically, I will never be able to go back to coach now, but I have some issues with the whole experience…come, let me tell you ALL about it.  First of all, forget all the nightmare at the airport, while holiday masses snaked around an nightmare line waiting to check bags and such, I stepped up behind ONE guy in line and was done at the counter in less than three minutes, including wait time.  My bag even got a little “business class” bright green tag and was one of the first, if not the first bag to come out of the shoot when I reached my destination.  Even my bag flew better.  Crazy.

The room for my giant (but shapely and attractive of course) ass, shoulders, arms, and legs was perfect, and if I could fix the airlines to my liking this is how everyone would fly, forget all the fancy bells and whistles, the seats would just be big enough to be comfortable for everyone and airlines wouldn’t understaff all their desks so none of us would have to wait so long.  I’ll be honest with you, I don’t need the rest of it, all the extra service and doting, and in fact, knowing how people in coach are being treated (like chattle) it actually makes me uncomfortable. 

I was offered a drink two times before even a third of the flight had finished boarding, and I was watching The Bourne Ultimatum before we had even taxied (however the hell you spell that).  I was given a warm washcloth to refresh myself and was served a full (and surprisinly delicious) dinner complete with chocolate cake and as many drinks as they could possibly offer me.  Are you serious?!  Is this for real?  It was actually embarrassing. 

There is one equalizer, which I was actually surprised to find, though I don’t know why now that I think about it.  Children.  No matter how much money you pay, and how comfortable your seat is, you cannot insure that there will not be an annoying brat(s) sitting behind you that spend the entire flight asking inane questions and kicking your chair.  I hated this kid.  I have to admit she was pretty well behaved over all, but I still hated her and her ceaseless kicking and now, somehow magically empowered with the privlidge that my business class ticket had bought, I felt extra entitled to a “perfect ride” and wished for a business class that was “child free”.  It also annoyed me that there are parents that have enough money to fly them and all their children Business Class…those are children that will grow up to be spoiled little brats.  I flew coach most my life, and when I was a kid it didn’t bother me at all.  It was exciting to fly there with my brothers, my legs had plenty of room, and so did the rest of me, it was a great adventure. 

Really, if I could mold and shape the world to my demands this is what we would have:

First Class:  All the rich and probably horrible people that need to have the ultimate comfort and be doted on from the time they arrive until the time they deign to depart.  $$$$$

Business Class:  Just what it says, Business Class travlers that are traveling primarily for Business (no children allowed here) and the service would be similar to FC, but not the ridiculous over the top doing.  Nice roomy chairs and extra leg room would be the biggest perks, along with no kids allowed.  $$$$

Adult Class:  This would be like Business Class, the same comfortable size seats and leg room, and no children allowed, but none of the ridiculous unnecessary “extra services” like hot towels, and full hot dinners, and free alcohol.  This is where I would choose to fly.  $$$

All Class Plus:  This would allow all passengers, including those pesky kids, but would be a more comfortable more roomy ride, with the same seats and leg room of the Business and Adult Class where people are not jammed together like sardines.  $$

Economy Class:  This would be our coach.  A complete madhouse free for all, with people jammed three together in a row, with seatbacks that jam into your knees whether reclined three inches or not.  This class however, would at least become cheaper and could actually be economic, because the airlines would be getting more money for the other classes, so while your flight would suck, as it does now when you fly coach, at least you wouldn’t be paying ridiculous fees for it – as opposed to the $900 Delta wanted to charge me to fly coach to Utah jammed next to two other people in my own personal hell. 

That was the real reason I upgraded this time, had I been able to get a ticket for a few hundred dollars, I never could have rationalized the $1400 Business was going to cost me, but when I realized it would be less than $500 for a completely different, relaxing, non-injury inducing flight (last time I flew coach I hurt my back pretty badly the following day, and I primarily blame the stress and discomfort of that flight), I figured it was the best possible gift to give myself.

I shudder at the idea of paraphrasing a Cameron Crowe movie and Renee Zelleweger no less (the former for fear Adam will decide he cannot love me anymore, and the latter for fear I will not be able to love myself anymore) but here goes, “First Class used to just mean a better seat and a better meal, but now it means a better life” 

It’s true and it’s sad. 

Well, on that happy note…I hope you’re all kicking off your holidays right.  We’ve got like eight inches of gorgeous snow here and I’m really glad I don’t have to go anywhere in it and can just admire it from the comfort of the couch with a hot chocolate.  Please remember to check in next week if you get bored or need to escape the family as I’ll be posting comics all week.