That is what I have learned from Resident Evil 3.

And I learned it by looking at the three main female characters and finding that the only thing they really had in common to insure their survival was their superhotness.

I’m so annoyed. And thus feminist rant, here we come…

Below is what I am calling the “Hot Trifecta” of Ali Larter (who I’m not a big fan of); Milla Jovovich (who I am a fan of, usually in spite of myself); and Ashanti (who I barely know but have to concede is pretty hot at least).

WTF?!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?

Okay, it’s confession time. I love me superheroes, I love me apocalypse tales, I love me some badass superhero-like future chicks that kick ass and take names, and it’s great if they can wear badass futuristic clothes while doing it (Milla’s outfit here is both *purr* delicious and also not nearly as ridiculous as it could have been) all the better. But COME ON! By making them all so out of control hot you kind of just kill any attempt I could make at getting into this story (if there was one) instead I get all distracted by the fact that these are the only women that have survived. The incredibly small percentage of women that have survived an apocalyptic like event…are all supermodels?! I’ll even give you that maybe they’d all be in pretty great shape, because survival can be tough (although they all look like they’re eating pretty well from the fleshed out tan limbs) and so perhaps they’d have smoking hot bodies…but these are the faces of the average women that survive?! Hollywood, have you looked around? Even in Los Angeles you would be hard pressed to find three women this attractive within a several mile radius, let alone have them be three of the very few survivors. Oh, and the one kid in the movie that we focus on (Kmart – yes I said Kmart – it was one of the movie’s few and horribly executed attempts at character development) is young, but totally on the verge of being these ladies fourth hot friend…give her a couple years and she’d give any one of them a run for their money.

Now let’s talk about the men. Surely you have to also be a superhot man to survive the apocaplyspe right? No, not so. Here’s the “non-hot trifecta” of men in this film:

And let’s be clear – there’s nothing wrong with these guys. Hursley (far right) is a bit on the goofy side, and Ashby (far left) is a bit on the old side, but they’re decent looking guys, and really, on the whole they’re actors, so they’re still more attractive than your average person, but they’re normal looking. What a shock. The men get to be just normal looking average joes, but the women better be supermodels or people just won’t watch this movie appears to be the thinking and it just pisses me off. Why don’t you just spend a little time on things like story, or character development, or anything other than physical beauty and special effects…maybe if you did that people could find some great redeeming stuff even if your main characters aren’t supermodels. So focused is this movie on the hotness of its women that I had trouble even finding photos of the men, and some of the men not pictured were impossible to find. Notably missing is MIke Epps who I could not find a still of anywhere for the film, as well as the slew of normal looking MALE doctors and scientists in the film that cannot be found anywhere, including Iain Glen, the baddie in the film.

Oh, I almost forgot. There is one ugly woman in the film. Fat too, of course. And she’s a bad guy. Second from the right. She’s even got disgusting teeth, instead of the perfect white smile of heroes.

So to recap, here is what we have learned. Your superhotness will not only help you survive the apocalypse, but it will also make you a good guy. If you are ugly and maybe fat your only chance to survive is to become as disgusting on the inside as you (obviously) are on the outside (ARGH!) by becoming a villain. The kind of cartoon level villain that tries to kill beautiful superhero types and their good intentions with infected dogs and shit.

Has Hollywood learned nothing from shows like The Office and even 30 Rock, which are monster hits, and have many normal average looking people starring in them? You write something good, you get good actors to star in it and you know what, people just don’t care that they’re not necessarily looking at supermodels. In fact, while my rampant hatred of this trend may be the minority, I don’t think I’m in the minority of people by being bored with staring and unrealistically hot people all day. How can I relate to that? Ugh. Okay, rant officially ended. Here’s the “official rundown”.

The Good: Milla’s costume. It was badass.

The Bad: Everything else.

The Ugly: Anything that I missed above.

Rating: 1 Star. It was going to be 2 stars, but the more I wrote the more pissed off I got, and by the end of the post, it’s one star. Blech.